I wonder what it's like to wake up and love yourself.

Because you see, the sun can be shinning. The birds can be chirping. You may even get that 'good morning' text from someone you love.

Yet, the clouds around you are grey. The darkness feels heavy, as it swallows you whole. And here you are spending another day in bed because why keep fighting?

As you lay in bed you think to yourself, where is the real me? Where is the girl that I used to be?

But then you remember, you killed the girl you used to be.

The girl that used to smile all the time, the girl that used to have a lot of friends, the girl that you used to see in the mirror.

Now she is dead, her eyes are a darker color and she rarely smiles, and she doesn't believe the compliments she receives because she believes that they are just trying to make her feel better.

You killed the girl you used to be.

But that doesn't matter anymore because once depression seeps into your life, who you used to be will be nothing more than a ghost.

You no longer recognize who you are. You no longer have an explanation as to why you're sad. - Because the moment you wake up each day, you are already covered with this overwhelming cloud of sadness.

You remember that no one understands. Some days you can be perfectly fine and then other days you're nothing more than a mess. -And this is why you have trouble forming words and sain thoughts; desperately trying to vouch for the way you are feeling.

You so desire to confined in someone. For nothing is better than having someone to share your thoughts with because sometimes your thoughts make more sense when you say them aloud.

But other times, you're afraid to share what you're feeling and thinking. For your thoughts are so dark that when they come out of your mouth, you think they can't possible be yours.

And that's when it becomes scary. But what's the scariest part, you ask?

The scariest part is not the feeling of loneliness or the darkness that fills you despite the looming pain of emptiness. The scariest part is the realization that you have lost yourself completely, sinking in as you lay awake at 2am because you lost the ability to sleep and you cant even cry because you don't even care.

You see, the funny thing is everyone says they are always there for you. They want you to open up to them and share everything that's on your heart and mind, but you know that they are being naive because honestly they have no idea what they are getting themselves into.

They say they are up for the challenge, that they can handle your brokenness. But you already know how this story ends. -No one can handle the burden of depression. No one can handle you, so they end up walking away. Always.

Your biggest fear is that eventually everyone will see you for the way you see yourself.

This is why you hold back. You want to go running to someone when you're feeling depressed, yet you don't want to give them that burden.

They can't see this storm you're lost in because all you do is smile. -And in a way, you don't want them to notice. They're too good for your problems, but you're still screaming for someone to save you. You're still crying for help right in front of everyone.

You don't want to speak because you're terrified that they will see you for how you see yourself. And by then, you don't blame them for walking away. Because you would too if you were them.

But it hurts. It hurts that you cant be what everyone wants or what anyone needs. And it hurts that you cant be what you want or what you need. -Because you're not enough and you wont ever be close to enough. For yourself or for anyone.

This is why you don't believe him when he tells you that you're beautiful. As he holds you in his arms, he pleads that he only wants you to see yourself as beautiful. -And for a split second you do, but then you remember all the ugliness that you hide beneath the surface.

This is why you can never fully get along with your mother, because you will never be able to meet her expectations. You will never be able to match up to her level of perfectionism.- Because no matter how many things you do right, there will always be something you did wrong.

This is why your sister despises you. For it doesn't matter how many nice things and encouraging words you speak to her, she will always hang onto every negative and ugly word that mistakenly slips out of your mouth.

This is why your friends become more distant. For they are tried of your empty promises, when really you just can't get out bed. -But once again, they don't understand what it's like to live with depression.

So don't tell her she's not alone. Because it's 2:34am on a Thursday morning when she's smothered in her darkness with heavy thoughts and what ifs clutching her tear stained pillow. She sits up and looks around the room to see that the only person here is her.

The only person who understands is her. The only person who hears the cries is her. - So don't tell her she's not alone because that is false.

You're not the one engulfed in sadness, it's her and she is so alone.

And you think to yourself, how did I lose myself? How did I become so numb?

You no longer feel things, but you know you should. You're paralyzed. You're scared to live, but scared to die. You feel nothing and you wonder why.

But you do know why and although there is much work to be done, there is hope.

Perhaps you thought this was just going to be a post dedicated to sulking in sadness, silly you. Because we must not forget about the hope that is ahead.

"Seek the Lord while you can find him.
Call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong.
Let them turn to the Lord that he may have mercy on them.
Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously.
My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, says the Lord.
And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:6-9

I love the simple reminder in, "Seek the Lord while you can find him."

While you can find him.

Because, although you may be covered in darkness and feel as though the Lord is far. You can still find him. Every single time.

I recently learned that when you're constantly not measuring up to what everyone wants you to be, you're more inclined to be depressed.

And not only do you fail to make everyone around you happy, but you also begin to reflect on your relationship with the Lord.

You begin to see where you're failing the Lord. Where you're not measuring up to what he has called you to be.

You begin to see the sin you're drowning in. The sin that has ahold of you by the throat, the sin that keeps you from breathing. The sin that eventually puts a mask over your eyes and imbeds your mind with the thought that you can't escape. Sin whispers in your ear, "You're mine."

And before you know it, you believe it. You no longer seek the Lord because why would he want someone with hands as dirty as yours, hands covered in sin?

So you feel like you have to clean yourself up before you come back to the Lord. But let me tell you, no matter how much we think we can clean ourselves up; it's not possible. Because if we could clean ourselves up, if we could fix ourselves then we wouldn't need the cross.

So come find Jesus. -For Jesus didn't come to die just for your sins in the past. He came to be nailed on that cross for all your sins; for your past, present, and future sins.

The enemy will try everything in his power to make you believe that you can't run back to God. But let me tell you, that is nothing but a lie.

For God is a God that does good. - He is famous for turning the unfortunate to the fortunate. Jesus doesn't want to deliver us from the hard times, he wants to deliver us in the hard times.

So never underestimate the power of God and the presence of God. When Jesus walks into the room things change. People change. Cities change. Nations change.

The God who does things differently:

1. God answers almost never come according to our schedule. -His ways aren't our ways. His thoughts aren't our thoughts, for his ways are higher.
2. When you go to Jesus, you will give him and receive from him more than you expected. - Get more than you bargained for when you give more than you bargained for.
3. God's grace inverts the worlds values. - If you lose your life, you will find it. If you hold onto your life, you lose it. For grace is come as you are.
4. God is more powerful and more personal than you can imagine. - Do not fear, only believe.

Stop trying to figure it all out, you wont ever understand.

The fact that his ways are different doesn't have any diminish on his love for us.

And I love the verse, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, says the Lord."

Because as you saw, sometimes our own thoughts can be pretty destructive. Cruel. Depressing. and hurtful.

But take heart, for those aren't your own thoughts. And although you feel like that's how the Lord sees you, you are dead wrong. For his love surrounds you when your thoughts wage war.

The Lord sees you as his prized possession.

His beloved child.

You have been redeemed and forgiven.

You are forever free from condemnation.

You cannot be separated from the love of God.

You have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

So you have to not be afraid and believe in something Jesus has never done before.

He can heal you. He can fix you. He can set you free from the bondage of sin, all you have to do is come to him.

Embrace the hard times because God is about to do something great. -He is the God of miracles.

Out of everything, I hope that you know that you are loved by your maker. Not because you try to please him and succeed, or fail to please him and apologize.

But because he wants to be your father.