Many people know that I had an incredible summer interning with Legacy Student Ministry in Castle Rock. Many people (hopefully) also know that I would consider myself a strong follower of Christ. I could talk about Jesus all day. I recently came back to school at CSU-Pueblo and have been struggling to adjust. I know, by my third year in college I should be used to the change. I was actually super excited to come back to school even though I knew I would miss the youth students terribly...which I have. But coming back to college has felt like my relationship with God hit a wall, and now I'm just lying on the ground and don't know how to get up.

Frustrated. Thats how I feel. Frustrated. Depressed. Anxious. Fearful. Annoyed. Confused. Hurt. Terrified. Lost. Overwhelmed. Broken. Frustrated. Actually, my new favorite word (credit to Mr.Bill) is Trustrated: Trusting God though being frustrated. It explains perfectly how I feel. Over the past 4 weeks I have found myself debating back and forth what is wrong with me, talking myself in and out of conclusions.

First, I thought maybe I was homesick and wanted to be with my family, which I then quickly became fearful that I was running out of time with and God was going to call me very very far away from them (which He might, but that isn't the case right now). After a few days I had convinced myself that I was depressed and dealing with anxiety (which is also a likely possibility) and was debating how to handle it. I then very quickly made the anxiety and depression spiritual and felt overwhelmed that I was letting God down and was a terrible christian for disobeying every command that says "do not be afraid" or "do not be anxious". Thoughts began to roll through my head that my relationship with God was going backwards instead of forwards. Everything I knew about Him, I had suddenly forgotten. I beat myself up that I am weak minded and letting God down. I let myself fall into this great big confusion and would pray asking God to forgive my unbelief and doubt (which I do believe needed to be prayed) but then I just sat in my fear. Another thing that I became overwhelmed with was focusing on being 100% obedient to God and not letting him down in any area of my life. Thats a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Instead of obeying Him, I stole my own joy out of everything I did and questioned EVERY little thing I did.

As I'm going through this time, there are a few things God has been revealing to me:

1. Although I am saved and secure in Christ, I am not exempt from depression, anxiety, pain or confusion.

Earth is not my home. I cannot wait for the day that Jesus brings me to heaven to live eternally with him without pain or hurt. But for now, I'm still here, which means I still live with pain and brokenness that is in this world. Until Jesus comes back, there will still be pain in my life. But with that pain, I have the hope that Jesus is much greater and the glories in heaven will far outweigh.

2. Knowing Scripture is so important.

The bible says that we need to put on the Armor of God, which includes His word, to fight the enemy. The more I know scripture, the more prepared I feel in battle. It is also important to daily remind myself of my identity in Christ...which I have easily forgotten in this season. It also helps to study Gods word in context and understanding that brings fresh revelation.

3. There's a lot of fear and pride in my life that I have been avoiding.

I don't really think I need to go into much detail with this one...it's pretty self-explanatory and is honestly something I am still praying through and asking to be transformed from.

4. It's not about me.

Yes, God loves me. He cares for me. He knows what I need and gives me what is best for me. But He doesn't do these things because it is all about me. He does these things because it is all about Him. Which is a strange concept to understand...yet I am still fully learning. My life is to bring HIM glory, not to be the center of attention. I am nothing without Him.

5. You never outgrow the Gospel.

Yes, we are called to mature and grow in Christ. But that doesn't mean we move on from the Gospel message. The Gospel is the center to everything else in my life, without it nothing would matter. I pray that I never get tired of hearing the Gospel and that I will be more disciplined in preaching it to myself and sharing it with others daily.

I'll be honest, these things aren't lessons I have fully learned, God has only given me a glimpse of each. I don't fully understand all of them or feel confident in fully accepting each lesson yet. But I am confident in trusting that God is working on my heart to get me to the place that I need to be. I am also confident that I am not alone in these feelings and pray that this can be an encouragement to anyone dealing with these same feelings.

Is the frustration gone? No. Is the confusion gone? No. Is the pain gone? I wish. But the hope isn't gone either.