hi. i'm sorry again for bothering you since you're probably busy, but i really need to know. are you stringing me along? i feel like we aren't even friends because of the long pointless conversations that are left unfinished. it makes me frustrated, always overthinking if we'll ever have time to talk again. i rarely admit it, but i really would like something more with you. if you don't want to, please tell me now. please tell me so i can forget all about you. i don't want to think about all the possibilities of you liking me and wanting something. i don't want you to be the one that makes me cry. i've already had enough of that. sorry, again.
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You don't just start as the person you are meant to be; there is a journey full of ups and downs that mold a person, so this is my journey.
Overall I'd love to say I grew up a happy overly enthusiastic child that was taught to love herself and be loved by everyone else, but I can't say that and I never will. My smile wasn't always as bright as it is today, but this is the story behind my smile, the story about how I got here to the happiest place I'll ever be. I'll begin at freshman year of high school.
I was definitely not the prettiest one in my class, I was the underdeveloped girl who talked way too much for anyone's liking and was just over all annoying. At school, I guess I could say I sought for attention maybe because I wasn't getting it all at home. The constant thing I'd hear at school was " I can't wait to go home.", but is it crazy that I couldn't wait to get back to school. School was more of a home than my own house, the place where people dread to go was the place I was desperate not to leave. Coming home from school felt like I was entering a battlefield not knowing what I was going to get hit with next. Were my grades not good enough? Did I say something wrong? Did I forget to do a chore? Of course these are such small things. SUCH. SMALL. THINGS. They were blown up into hellish arguments I could never win. I lived with my step sister, Alyssa, she is 2 years older than me and I felt like if anything she took the brunt of everything. When it came to grades she would get yelled at way more than me; they seemed harder on her.
Alyssa was always the pretty one, they rarely pointed out a flaw in her appearance. I felt like I heard it all the time from her dad. A dad is known to be a daughters first love right? The one that told her she was the prettiest one out there, the one that made sure I had all the confidence in the world and more. It's okay not everyone's perfect you know. From the age of 10-13 I felt like I was raised as one of his own, but growing up things changed. He would mention how people would pick on me for my imperfections, but it seemed like the only one doing it was him. There's more between me and him, but that's a story for another time. My mom always stressed out with the family business took most of it out on us, blowing up and being verbally abusive on a consistent basis. I never felt like I was good enough to my parents, I gave my all and got nothing in return. I wasn't happy for such a long time, but I didn't tell anyone.
I thought that everything would be better if I wasn't there, that the home I lived in did not take me into account so it wouldn't matter. Going to school made me feel valued, I felt important and didn't feel judged and picked on. I knew that I was always the smart one in my class and that people cared about me because they always reminded me. I had some friends that really got me through some of the personal conflicts I had going on and they didn't even know because of the welcoming and positive facade I put on everyday.
Just remember sometimes it is gonna hurt, whether we want it to or not!
One day he walked into my life. UNEXPECTED! And one day he walked out!
He walked in with a smile! One that glistened from a mile away! He knew the right things to say! He made me laugh more than I thought I could! He made me smile bigger than the world! He didn't know I had feelings! I didn't realize I had feelings! I didn't realize they were strong.
He poked and probed until I told him I had feelings. I think I screwed up! Because he told me not to and instead of developing feelings, I fell hard!!!! He walked away! He didn't know how I felt or what I thought from then on out! I put a smile on and faced the day brave as I wished I had done before he asked that question.
Oh how that question is burned into my mind! My heart and soul ache everytime I think. He says he understands but does he really?! He knows all my secrets but does he know what this ones like! He's my best friend and I can't be honest with him! I support every decision he makes! I smile at every achievement happily even when it hurts! I smile when he smiles! I frown when he's hurting! But I can't tell him my biggest secret of all! I fell in love with him on day one and everyday it grows stronger!
One day, he'll actually understand! One day, he'll truly see me for me! One day, he will understand that I didn't mean to fall in love with him! One day, he will see that I want happiness, joy, and love for him! But in the meantime, my heart hearts. The heart wants what the heart wants! If only I could restart the clock!
The heart truly wants what the heart truly wants! We can't change that! Just remember sometimes it is gonna hurt, whether we want it to or not!
A Broken Heart
See which conversations rose to the top on Odyssey this week!
New response writers means exciting new conversations on Odyssey! We're proud to spotlight our talented creators and the topics that matter most to them. Here are the top three response articles of last week:
During trips, you see first-hand how powerful God is, and how important prayer can be.
This was a response to What Short-Term Mission Trips Have Taught Me.
It's okay to to lead two lives, have two identities, and call two places home.
This was a response to Culture Clashing: A Lifetime Of Adapting To An American Life.
In this life, they say there are three specific kinds of connections that go beyond the Earthly realm. Have you met one of the above? Read more to find out.
This was a response to A Letter To Myself: Relationships Are Full-Time Employment, Are You Up For the Job?
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No one prepares you for the honeymoon phase wearing off
Let's start off with the simple fact that God made everyone differently. That statement could not be more evident. We try to embrace our differences and set ourselves apart from the rest of the world. What that doesn't prepare us for is when we yearn for a characteristic of someone else. For example, have you ever met someone who can experience this great heart ache and hardly shed a tear? This person just had their heart ripped out and they find a way to carry themselves through it with great composure. Well, not all of us have that desirable trait. Some of us wear our hearts on our wet sleeves. When a person has their heart on their sleeve, it can be viewed as a good thing, that the individual isn't shallow. However,
A difficult battle comes with fighting your mind everyday just for someone to act as though they aren't valid or that you need to control it. To some people, these problems don't exist, but to some of us, they are very real. A prime example can be seen in relationships. The exciting first few months where there are butterflies and love is sought after to the fullest extent. No one prepares you for the honeymoon phase wearing off, but still reminiscing that desire.
Band Makes Breakup Announcement Official: 'Will Be No More'
It's the end of an era. Originally formed in 2004 by friends in Las Vegas, Panic! At The Disco is no more.
Brendon Urie announced on Instagram that the band will be coming to an end after the upcoming Europe tour. He said that he and his wife are expecting a baby, and the life change weighed heavily in his mind to come to this decision. "Sometimes a journey must end for a new one to begin," he said.
Previous departures from the band occurred in 2006, 2009 and 2015. Urie was the last man standing from the original group.
Before the official end, Panic! At The Disco is set to play in the following European cities in February and March: Vienna, Munich, Hamburg, Cologne, Rotterdam, Antwerp, Paris, Glasgow, Birmingham, London, and Manchester.
The band was known for hits like I Write Sins Not Tragedies, Death of a Bachelor, and High Hopes.
Here's how the announcement hit the world:
Why Did The Band Disband?
Brendon Urie cites the life change of becoming a father as a primary reason for disbanding Panic! At The Disco.
Will The 2023 Europe Tour Go On?
Yes, the band says that it is "looking forward to seeing everyone in Europe and the UK for one last run together." So the show will go on in February and March in Europe.
When Was Panic! At The Disco Founded?
Panic! At The Disco was born in 2004, made up of childhood friends Brendon Urie, Ryan Ross, Spencer Smith, and Brent Wilson. They recorded their first demos while in high school. -last.fm
1. Brittany Morgan, National Writer's Society
2. Radhi, SUNY Stony Brook
3. Kristen Haddox, Penn State University
4. Jennifer Kustanovich, SUNY Stony Brook
5. Clare Regelbrugge, University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign