For the longest time, I hated my emotions. Especially over the past few years, at points they have become absolutely bothersome. Through bouts and periods of bad mental health, I have also experienced what I like to call being “on the ice” aka being emotionally numb. There was a moment, not too long ago, where I was so emotionally numb for so long, that I cried about it because I was so panicked that I couldn’t feel anything anymore*. It was scary; it was a wakeup call.
Why is this hitting me now? After all this time? (I’m talking about my realization). I would like to thank my Swearing and Taboo Language Linguistics class for helping me put it all together. I swear, like a lot. Like 75% of everything that comes out of my mouth, involves swearing. And in the textbook for this class (yes, there is a textbook, and the author is my favorite textbook author ever), there was a line that just made everything click: “And yes, swearing is a need. Humans have strong emotions, which sometimes need to be released. Physical violence is one way of releasing emotions. Swearing is another….taboo words are more closely associated with emotion centers in the brain than any other words.”
And that’s another thing! When I get even slightly frustrated, angry, etc., I have a seriously dangerous need to hit/punch/kick/hurt something. I kickbox for Christ’s sake; that’s my therapy! I feel so much more secure about my emotional stability and mentality when I go kickbox regularly.
It. All. Makes. Sense.
For years (I mean the majority of my life), I have been consumed by anger. I was a walking, talking, mass of anger and rage for so long. That was my motivation for so many things. But then I figured out the hard way, that with so much rage, I had to try and douse some of it or suppress some of it. That was horrible. Because enough suppressed rage led to a deep, unrelenting sadness and depression. This was worse than before. Through a lot of different events and experiences within the past 2 years, I am learning a lot, slowly connecting dots.
I learned that I didn’t like being angry all the time. It was tiring and just draining. Being depressed was one of the worst things ever. I don’t wish depression upon anyone, even the worst of my enemies. Depression takes away your essence to live and you become this hallow, lifeless creature. It’s terrible.
I get worked up very easily. It doesn’t take much for me to get angry or frustrated. I cry at sad things like my mother just died. But when I’m happy, oh honey, do I get happy. I become this bubbly bright ball of energy that is just happy to be here. I am like a child, literally bouncing up and down because I can’t contain my excitement. Bless my mother for reminding me that that is “the Janina” she knows and loves.
So basically what I am trying to get at is that when I feel emotions, they are emotions on steroids. A few years back, I HATED this and I thought it was causing problems for me. So I tried to suppress all my emotions. I was happily emotionally numb for a good long while. It helped me focus on school and getting my shit together.
But truth be told, I have learned lately that I need to love my overly active emotions and I am just an overly emotional creature, and I need to make peace with this and deal with it all in a healthier way. So I am in the midst of learning how to use my emotions to truly benefit me. Which is still sort of a wild concept for me, but I know in the long run, it will be for the best.
*I think the thing that triggered this was that I learned that my great grandma, who lives overseas, is on her deathbed and doesn't even remember who I am. I didn't feel anything and that's when I knew that this was getting unhealthy.