Sexual Abuse is not funny, it's not a game, and in many ways, it ruins the lives of the victims. Sexual Abuse is a stressor that can create depression, anxiety, panic attacks and in extreme cases, mental breakdowns. However, every case doesn't break the person, women are strong, we can handle it, right? I speak solely about women today because numbers prove women experience more abusive situations than men; however, many of the consequences can be the same for males as well.
When a man puts a hand to your throat and demands something you don't want to give, what becomes of you? You feel helpless and broken, he doesn't listen or care what you want and you enter survival mode.
At this moment I would like to retract the word "victim" I used above, it isn't uncommon for the subject of sexual abuse to blame themselves, but why? What did they do? Maybe they dressed too scandalous or came onto the guy, that is what the world tells them at least, and with that mindset, the whole idea of being victimized turns into self-victimization. They begin to blame themselves over and over for things that could have been prevented had a man not been a self-centered jackass for lack of a better word. I believe in prevention, I believe a woman can protect herself, dressing appropriately can help, lack of leading men on, pepper spray (definitely helps) but even with safeguard things happen and it tears otherwise strong individual apart.
I spoke to a friend quite deeply about this and it was heartbreaking to see her completely torn apart about it. In fact, almost all of the friends in high school were sexually assaulted in some way or another.
However, this particular friend grew up a Christian, she made mistakes and bad choices but when it counted she was there ready to follow Jesus as he led her life. She made a decision to meet a guy (this is the part that she used to blame herself for) and that situation almost instantaneously turned abusive. How can a simple meet-up turn bad so fast? When he has intentions, nothing but himself will stop it. I watched her fall apart telling this story in so much detail I couldn't believe she remembered so much.
The first person who learned of what she endured knew only by reading a personal writing she scribbled down trying to get her thoughts straight. It was impossible to talk about, it was heartbreaking for her in every way. My heart broke for her, seeing a spirit completely changed and crushed by the bruises that reminded her daily that she couldn't even protect herself. Not only did she have the cliché idealism of wanting to save every piece of her intimate self for "that special one" crushed, but she was terrified of anyone who stretched a hand to her. Her hope was destroyed and her hidden side of self-hate, darkened thoughts, and hope prevailed the second she met her abuser and she didn't even know it.
As months went on she continued to struggle even at the gentle touch of those who loved her. "Why is this so difficult, I thought I was stronger than this," she would say over and over to herself.
Finally, she became committed to someone she loved yet she still continued to be overtaken by grasping hands rather than the reality of those who loved her. Thinking back to her telling this story, I can almost feel the emotion as she completely broke. She told me about stage after stage how she had to overcome her own mind that felt like it was gearing up to fight against her.
She told me that the deadly loneliness she had after he left her falling to the floor was the moment she knew she could never have a serious relationship or get married without a serious honest disclaimer about her past. As time went on the disclaimer got easier, instead of, "I'm broken and in a dark difficult place because of this, and I haven't overcome it yet, but I want too," her disclaimer disappeared in itself and it became a confidential conversation saying, "I am strong today and have overcome a lot in my life, I want you to love me for me as I have learned to love me for me, but I want you to know what I experienced so that you can understand me better." With that, she can smile, she can be held and she has a final realization that her past has become her past and today she will be strong and I will be proud of the strength she has taught herself.
If you are in a similar situation as my friend was, I want you to know that overcoming your abuse is possible, and you are not alone.
