I'm sure at one point in your life or another you've heard a variation of the phrase, "If you don't love yourself, you can't expect anyone else to love you."

You've probably even been told this bit of advice when you were feeling bad about yourself or said to someone else when they were feeling bad themselves. The whole point of this phrase is to cause the recipient to realize that only through self-love can they be worthy of someone else's love. I would like to try and explain why I find this bit of advice to be utterly offensive.

This phrase is saying that I'm only worthy of being loved when I like myself. And on some level, I do understand the wisdom in this advice. If you love yourself, then your easy to love in return. This kind of advice works for those who don't have trouble loving themselves. Those who bounce back from heartaches easily and generally have pleasant life experiences.

But for those of us who can't see the light for the trees, where does that leave us?

In 1944, a study was conducted in which 40 newborns were separated. Both groups had their basic needs met; food, diaper changes, and clothes. However, one group was given love and affection in addition to their basic survival needs while the other group was not. Four months into the study they had to stop because the babies who received no love and affection started dying.

Without love and affection, we die.

So to tell someone they don't deserve love, especially while their already miserable and feeling unloved, is in effect telling them they should die.

Love shouldn't be conditional. I shouldn't be more loveable because life is sunshine and roses for me. I should still be worthy of love when I'm in the depths of despair. I should still be worthy of love regardless of my age; gender; body type; race; and temperment. Someone special should be able to look at me and see a person worthy of personal happiness with another person.