Dear Woman Who Raised My Stepsons,

I honestly wish I wasn't writing this right now. However, you've been heavy on my mind (and heart) lately. So, I feel like I need to talk to you.

You won't get to read this unless Heaven has internet (and honestly, I don't know how awesome Heaven would be without internet). It's been three months since you've left this universe. It almost feels like yesterday. I remember waking up and seeing your ex-husband in tears talking to your dad. The way he was shaking, the way his voice was cracking. I never want to see him go through that again. It was the ultimate heart break.

Do you see your sons from up there? Are they happy? I'm trying my hardest to make sure they are as happy as can be. I wish I could be a better step-mom to them. I feel like I fail them miserably because I know they would rather have their mom and dad together again. Or at least have you here.

Have you seen them? Z is about to get married. He's so happy. He has a baby on the way. Did you know that before you left us? I know you are that little baby's guardian. A is doing great in football. They are undefeated as of now. He's pretty proud of his team (and his barely fits through the door). M is doing great, too. He's got great grades and he helps out a lot with his little sister. I hope you see that.

I wish we could have meet in person before you passed. I wish that we could have had the opportunity to meet and get to know each other. Then maybe there wouldn't have been so much tension between us.

I know that you didn't like me. I get that. I wouldn't be too happy with me either if I were in your shoes. I mean, I'm half your age, I had a daughter. I'm so sorry. It was never my intention to break your heart. It really wasn't. Please forgive me.

I wonder if you know that I compare myself to you the majority of the time. I'm not sure why I do, really. But I constantly think in my brain that I am not as good as a housewife as you. I sometimes think that I'm not as good as a mom as you. Maybe I'm not as loved because I'm not as good as you. I feel like I drive myself crazy sometimes because of this. Someone even told me that I'm obsessed with comparing myself to you. Listen, you were so beautiful and skinny. You were a mom to three fantastic men. I wish I could be like that, a great mom and a great wife.

I just wish so many things. I wish your life wasn't cut so short.

I wish you were able to see Z, A and M get married, have kids, lead successful lives... You will be able to, but just not in the way I hoped.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, please help me the best step-mom I can to your boys. I'm trying my hardest and it kills me that you cant be there.

Thanks for your time R. I hope you are resting peacefully.

Until we meet, Stay Wild.