Dear My (Possible) Future Husband,
The Date is Wednesday, May 23, 2018.
The sky is clear, the leaves on the trees peeking through the window of my brother’s apartment are slowly waving at me, as the sun kisses their branches. I stare up at the sky, and I see a few scattered clouds. The wind brushes against my cheeks sending a sense of calmness across every inch of my body. As the sun begins to shine a bit brighter, I am ambushed with a heightened sense of gratefulness. I quickly come to the realization that nothing in our world is guaranteed. Having the mere necessities to live such as; clean water, clothing and food are not even certain for so many individuals. Thus, experiences such as falling in love/ and genuinely committing to another human being appears to be a mere luxury.
Nonetheless, I am grateful for this exact moment, knowing that I will never get this moment back. As, my fingers races across the keyboard, I felt a sudden yearning- a need- to write you this letter. Even though we haven’t met yet, I feel as though I owe you an explanation for my terrible communication skills, and an understanding of the rollercoaster that I call: my emotions. I am by no means perfect, and I am aware that I have many flaws ( maybe some more than the average human being), but please remember that my love is pure, and my loyalty to you will always remain true. As I try to fit all my frantic ideas on this piece of paper, please remember that I am human.
I am fragile yet strong.
The experiences that I had to endure have shattered my self-esteem, and trust in other human beings. I will have to spend the rest of my life to rebuild myself in the broken places.
I am doubtful yet optimistic.
I may hold on to the past and the people who hurt me, but I’m learning to let go of such pain and look forward to the future.
My love, I can’t offer you riches, or glamour and I can’t promise that my anxiety won’t overpower me some mornings. Sometimes I will break down in tears, and I won’t have a concrete answer to why. Sometimes, I will lock myself in a dark room, just because I want to be left alone. Occasionally, I might bury myself in my journal and write until my hands being to cramp; but the second I see you I will shut my journal quickly and try to hide it. Writing in my journal is an extremely intimate practice to me, that I’m not ready to share with you just yet. But, I will try my best to be honest and transparent with you. Believe me when I say, I will try to openly express my feelings and emotions with you even when I feel as though I can’t. Please be patient with me.
My love, I can’t be someone I’m not, so I can only hope that you accept me for who I am. Accept the tears that fall down my face when I’m laughing too hard or when I begin to stutter when I’m excited or passionate about the words I’m saying. I can only hope that you accept my flaws and not belittle them. I can only hope that you love me as much as I will love you. I can only pray that our love will be enough for us both to thrive on in a society that mocks and demeans faithfulness and monogamous relationships.
My love, when I look at you and hold you tight in my arms, I will feel calmness, I will feel loved.
I will see my light and my darkness.
My hope and my despair.
My night and my day.
My smile and my frown.
In your eyes, I will see a little bit of myself.
So, until we meet, until I am able to call you mine, I will continue to try to be the best version of myself. I will strive for my dreams and work as hard as I possibly can until I reach them. I will give to others, without expecting anything in return. I will love God and love people.
But, my love if we never meet, and if I’m never able to call you mine, I pray that you love your spouse with all your being. I pray that you accept them regardless of their flaws, or their past pain. God, I pray that you see your hope nestling within the corner their eyes. I hope you hear a little of yourself in their laugh. I hope you find peace in their embrace. I pray that you are loved, and I will hope that you are genuinely happy.
Love,
Your (Possible) Future Wife 😊
