I thought about you today. And yesterday. And every day since you've been gone. The smallest thing reminds me of you. Memories cross my mind at least once a day. I look down at my wrist and your face pops into my head. I listen to music and I think, "Wow, Jes would love this song." Anything elephant-related reminds me of you. I think of our matching Beanie Babies and I wonder where yours is. I look at Jersey and I think of how you are probably that only person that wouldn't get annoyed at her hyperactive behavior, because you would be right next to her, just as hyperactive. I wish she knew you.
I get sad. I get really sad that I can't hear your laugh or see your smile ever again. I will forever have to resort to old pictures and videos. I drive past Johnson Blvd and I want to turn right so bad. I want to lay in your bed and listen to your iPod. I want to cry. I know I'll never be able to hug and kiss you again. Never lay on your bed while you get ready for class. I will never forget the laughs, the cries, the fights and the makeups. All the running around we did at Sullivan. Dragging you to get French Vanilla Caps with me every morning at 8. The countless pool games. The end of semester massages. I was looking through those pictures the other day. You used to drive me nuts. All of the memories I have, I will forever cherish.
No one could have made my teenage and early adult years as amazing as you had. You have taught me so much and you have helped shape me into who I am today. You got me involved in so many things in high school that I would not have done on my own. You were always my shoulder and my rock. I know that I am not the only person who has gone through this. But we are the only ones that I care about. I care so much about the relationship that we held. If anyone has ever told me that it gets easier, they were wrong. Every day I am hurt and every day I will remain hurt. There is only one thing that can take this pain away. I, of course, know that it will never happen. I am NOT okay with that, but I have come to terms with it.
I am happy that you are not in pain anymore, and you will never feel pain again. And most importantly, I will continue to think about you every day, and I am most certainly okay with that. The memories of you are the best ones that I have. And Kelly, if you are reading this, I love you and I want to spend more time at the house, if any at all. But I am not ready for the realness that comes along with that, and I do not want it to set in. I'm not sure that I will ever be ready. But along with Jes, you are always in my thoughts, and I love you both.