For years, I blamed myself. I blamed myself for not being good enough, for not being pretty enough and for not changing to be the person that you "wanted" me to be. I blamed myself for the downfall in our relationship and I made myself believe that it was my fault that you left. I look back at the times that we were able to share together, and I can't help but smile. We always enjoyed each other's company and had conversations that would last for hours. But when I think back to everything that you did to intentionally break me down, the smile on my face quickly disappears. The good times that we shared and the times that you made me smile are equal to the amount of time that you made me cry throughout our relationship.

Emotionally, you broke me down. You made me believe that I could never find someone else who would love me. You made me believe that I was nothing and that I would never be good enough. I longed for you to feel the pain that I had to endure. The sleepless nights when I would bury my face into my pillow, soaking it with my tears only to wake up to the same nightmare. I wanted you to feel not only the mental but also the physical pain that you caused me. A pain that hurt so badly it left you lying on the floor gasping for air, a feeling of brokenness that stung so deeply it overwhelmed your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty, and a sadness that made you feel weak and tired, but yet you couldn't sleep because it seeped into your dreams. I wanted you to sit by your bedside window staring out at a beautiful and sunny sky but still feel as if you were surrounded by darkness.

I wanted you to ask yourself "Why?" over and over again, letting that one question wrack and twist your brain in directions that you could not imagine. I wanted you to feel how I felt, not even wanting to leave your house, much less the bed that you tried to sleep in every night. I wanted you to feel the inability to be happy, to feel pain until eventually you felt nothing at all. I wanted you to feel as if you were losing yourself, like who you used to be was slipping away and there was absolutely nothing that you could do that would bring that person back.

I wanted you to feel undesired, unloved and ashamed of yourself. I wanted your heart to ache. I wanted for you to feel a knot in the pit of your stomach every time you heard my name. I wanted you to feel like your tears would never stop, and for the split second when they would, that it would only be because your body had become so numb in an attempt to try and protect itself. I wanted you to feel as broken as I did, to feel like the only person who could fix you was the one person who shattered your heart into a million pieces.

I wanted so badly for you to feel that, until I learned that the broken heart you had given me taught me a few lessons about myself.

It taught me that you were, and still are, a boy who I mistook for a man. I learned how to take responsibility; I know that I am responsible for letting you break my heart because you couldn't have hurt me if I hadn't let my wall down. I am responsible for letting you emotionally abuse me, for letting you make me believe that I wasn't good enough because the truth is that I am and I always was. I learned that you are a reflection of myself, a part of me that I tried to resist, that I should have resisted but couldn't. I learned to forgive and because of that, I had to forgive you. I had to forgive you for the hurt you had caused, and I had to forgive the girl that you picked over me.

I learned to apologize. I'm sorry that I was so stupid that I let you bring my self-esteem down. I'm sorry that I loved you more than I loved myself, and I'm sorry that I didn't let you break my heart sooner so that I could realize that I deserved so much better.

Most importantly, I've finally found reasons to thank you. Thank you for making me take a look in the mirror and notice that the flaws that you made fun of are the ones that I have learned to love. Thank you for teaching me to be careful about who I choose to give my heart to.Thank you for letting me have the friendships back that I had almost forgotten about because of you, and thank you for showing me that I am nothing without my Savior. Confiding in Jesus was the only way that I bettered myself.

To the girl who was chosen over me, thank you for setting me free, for saving me from a lifetime of unhappiness that I couldn't have freed myself from without your help. I hope that you will soon realize his true colors. Thank you for reminding me of my true beauty, for teaching me that I don't need someone else to make me feel beautiful because it is something that comes from within me. To the both of you, thank you for teaching me that I am worthy and that I am the only person who can give myself the life that I deserve. Thank you for showing me that I will one day find a person who loves me just the way I am. And thank you for teaching me that life moves on and some day so will I.

Lastly, to myself: You cried. You cried a lot, but that's what it took to wake up and realize that it wasn't your fault. The only fault that you made was allowing yourself to be vulnerable to him and letting him into your life. Life isn't perfect; we aren't perfect. He's human, just as you are, and we are allowed to make mistakes. Because of that, you forgave him and you know that soon he will just be another person from your past, a part of yourself that you were happy to let go.

So, to the person who broke me: It was only for a short while, and in that short moment, I was taught just how strong of a person I am. I don't wish for revenge. I only hope that someday you will feel for someone the way that I felt about you—because then, and only then, will you understand everything.