It's been two whole years as of March 25th. I was sitting in the office when we got the call. Immediately people were crying and upset, as they should be. I remember I was in shock, I still am. Even though you've been gone for all this time and I was at the funeral, it still doesn't feel real. For about a day and a half, I walked around like nothing had happened, I didn't know what else to do. It started to dawn on me that never again would I see you smile or hear you laugh at your own jokes. You would never drive up to my house blaring music I'd never even heard. As these thoughts hit I wanted to cry, however, I still couldn't. My stubborn self waited until five days after the news broke to cry. I waited to let everything out until the day of. That was a HUGE mistake. I knew finding a seat would be nearly impossible. You were so funny and always friendly, such an amazing person inside and out. The church was absolutely packed and everyone was coming in trying to squeeze together and get a seat. I still think it was a miracle from God that I found a place to sit. Sitting down I remember thinking, you got this Katie, be strong, please don't cry here and I was fine, until the slideshow. I was looking up at millions of memories for everyone in that room. I can still remember each picture that I was in or had taken. That's the moment I started tearing up and felt a few run over and I let them but I made it a point to keep my composure. I wasn't ready to cry, as soon as I cried I knew I would be accepting the fact that you're gone. I saw the pictures of us from when we were being stupid in the car. I heard the songs that I hated at one point but could sing you every word. I could hear every person in that room feeling exactly what I was and knowing there was no way in hell someone could ever fill this hole in my life. The slideshow ended and I pulled myself together and was ready to continue with the service. However I wasn't ready for them to open the casket and let people start saying their goodbyes. I felt my heart drop out of my chest, I couldn't hear anything, all I could see was myself getting closer and closer to you. It was like the movies, I was looking down watching everyone slowly make their way up to you and out of the room. I still think I sound insane and felt crazy. I finally reached the front of the line and had to talk myself into looking at you. I still wish I hadn't because that's the last memory I have of you. The little boy who gave me his mother's wedding ring in the third grade on the playground was laying there and didn't look anything like himself. It took everything I had to stay standing, I was in tears and have never ran from a room like that. It is now two years later and I still cry thinking about you being gone. In fact I'm crying as I write this. I know if you were here you would give me a hug, tell me it was okay and then make fun of me for crying. I miss you every single day and cling to the good memories that we had. If I could have one last day with you, we wouldn't do anything special. I would take one more day in your car, listening to your music and have you teasing me. I miss those days more than anything in the world. You will always be that little boy that chased me on the playground with a wedding ring and that's the only way I want to remember you.
