To The Boy Who Made Me Scared of Life,

You and I have known each other since we were in kindergarten. We were never really friends, but you were always there. I don’t know if you remember this, but growing up, we were always put into the same classes. We even sat next to each other in a lot of them.

I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but sometime around fifth or sixth grade you started to be mean to me. Cruel, really. You made me a target of your cruel antics and I never understood why.

There were days where you would imitate my actions and repeat what I was saying just to bother me, and you accomplished your goal, but that was not the worst thing that you did. You continuously knocked me down by making me feel stupid, and you made fun of the way I looked, the way I acted, and my family. There were days that I went into the bathroom crying because your words hurt me so much.

I remember the day in seventh grade that you somehow found out I was adopted, and you said that my birth parents didn’t love me enough to keep me around. You continued by telling me that I wasn’t wanted by anyone. You made me feel like no one ever wanted me, that no one ever loved me. That was the same day you got all the boys in the class to rally up against me. I don’t know how you did it. Especially since I thought some of them were my friends.

Our teacher found me crying in the bathroom that day and I told her what happened. She spoke with you and the rest of the boys in class about bullying and that may have stopped the other boys from harassing me, but it certainly didn’t stop you. Did you know that I went home that day after school and I hurt myself? That was the first and only time I ever did that, and I hate that I let you get to me that much.

When I went to school with bandages on my arm, covering the scratches that I inflicted on myself, people asked me what happened and I said that my cat scratched me pretty bad. Our teacher knew that it wasn’t true, though. She saw right through my lie. She called my parents and the school counselor as well as the principal. I told all of them everything, but you still never got in trouble for all of the misery you caused me. They never said a word to you and I, at twenty-one years old now, still don’t understand why.

Eventually, we ended up going to high school together and we weren’t around each other as much as we used to be, which I thought was great. Then I learned that you were still making fun of me behind my back. You would still say these little comments to me that tormented me and made me scared to say a word to anybody because I thought they would do the same exact thing as you!

I shut myself out during our high school years because I was terrified. Again, I was the quiet girl, too scared to talk because I was hurt. That stuck with me for years

At junior prom, you made fun of the dress I was wearing because it was different from everyone else’s. I want you to know that I loved that dress up until you made ugly wearing it. I felt beautiful up until that one moment where you tore me down.

My whole time knowing you, people would tell me that the only reason why you picked on me so much is because you had a crush on me. Well, you know what? That’s not an excuse. Even if you did have a crush on me, that was no reason to treat me like I was nothing for nearly eight years. One thing is for sure, though. I never felt anything towards you besides hatred and terror.

You made me scared to live. You made me afraid to go out there and take a chance. I’m glad I’m not like that anymore.

I’m not going to thank you for making me stronger like some people thank their bullies for because you never made me stronger. All you did was tear me down repeatedly from fifth or six grade right up until we graduated high school. I made myself stronger with the help of my adoptive parents, who love me unconditionally.

I’m different now, though. Being in college has changed me. What I mean is that I am no longer the quiet girl. Since starting college, I have become the girl who found her voice through a campus radio station, the girl who met a boy her freshman year who made her feel special and never let her feel anything otherwise even two years later, and the girl who has made friendships that she has never truly experienced before.

Now I’m going into my senior year of college and I am completely different than I used to be. I’m not that sad quiet girl anymore and I’m never going back to that dark place. I won’t allow myself to be like that again.

If you could only see me now, I wonder what you would think.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Was Scared