Your favorite color was yellow and I was purple but I didn't care so I let you in, we mixed and the only story we told turned to black. You let down your walls and told me everything there was to know about you, but you weren't able to tell me one single thing about us. You told me about your dreams, your hopes, your fears, your family, but you couldn't break down where your head was with us. You said you don't trust easily, and with the memories flooding my brain, I took a deep breath and I said, "me either." You told me that it was going to take you a minute to trust me and let down your walls, but then you were able to let me read you like a book.
I couldn't reciprocate. I didn't tell you what my biggest fear was or why my favorite song is what it is, but you talked and I was a good listener, but eventually I needed to be asked how I slept or what the hell was going on in my brain and the question never came. I waited for care and concern that was never going to come. Luckily for me, I was never asked anything of importance about myself, so I didn't make myself vulnerable by letting you into a part of my brain that no one gets to see. I always had so much to say, but I never got a chance to tell you anything I was ever thinking about.
I knew the words, "I don't trust easily," because with that phrase I have warned every person that gets close to me that it's going to take a long time for me to open up about anything. I also knew the words, "I don't trust easy," were an awesome excuse for people trying to get everything they want because a good person wouldn't try and pry or ask questions, but that's exactly what you wanted. It wasn't that you didn't trust easily, you just didn't want to become so vulnerable to someone when you were busy being selfish making sure everything you were doing daily was exactly what you wanted. You told me what I wanted to hear, held me when I needed comfort and ignored me when I wasn't convenient for you.
When I ask a question, I know the answer by the way your eyes may change shapes or your jaw becomes clenched thinking of the words to say. When you would lie to me I could feel it right away, if not by the body language you give off, but the feeling I would get in the pit of my stomach knowing this was a lie. It was harder when I would know you were lying to me because I was able to look into your eyes and yours in mine and you could lie about literally anything and I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend I didn't know with every bit of me that you were a liar.
When I finally realized what I was doing to myself, it was far too late. You could tell me the sky was green and I would have started seeing it as such. When you would tell me you'd be over soon and it would take you endless hours, you always had the best excuses that I could see right through but chose to ignore.
I finally learned to embrace my third eye. I didn't want to use my intuition or ability to read right into people in a bad way, so I let myself think that maybe I was crazy, maybe everything I was thinking wasn't true. The reality was, everything was true and I was undeserving of your actions but I stayed around and was there for you and most importantly loved you with my whole heart. I guess that's where I went wrong. You knew I could easily tell when you were lying but you didn't try to stop yourself so after a while I told myself it was time to walk away.
It took me a long time to heal, but I learned a lot about myself. I came out of the situation thankful because I learned what makes people the way they are, why peoples' brain's work the way they do and how a persons' facade varies from who they really are.
As i'm writing this, I thought about the bad memories for the first time in a long time. We didn't end on bad terms because why would we? I started writing, trying to dig into a part of my mind that is so far removed, that it was almost crazy thinking and reliving all the things I let myself do for you. I see myself doing this for the men who follow you and this is me telling you that i'm stopping myself. They don't get the opportunity to see me vulnerable just like you did, especially because I know exactly how the story unfolds. I thank you for everything you taught me about life, love, and happiness because without you I would experience all three just a little differently.
