you know who you are,
and i want you to know that things will get better
but that sometimes they’ll get worse
and it’s okay to go backwards
that’s just the way life is sometimes
it’s okay to have relapses
it’s okay to have bruises on your thighs
it’s okay to have cuts on your wrists, on your ribs
it’s okay.
and i know sometimes
it feels like
everyone else in the entire world
is just so fucking happy
and why can’t you just be that fucking happy
like them
why can’t you be normal,
and it’s okay to feel that way
just know feeling shitty
is not a bullshit excuse
it’s something that just happens sometimes,
and sometimes it feels like you’re too weak
or you’re stupid or inadequate somehow
for feeling this way when it feels like
no one else is
but you’re not.
you’re incredibly strong to get up every day
amazingly smart to make it through every day
while it feels like your mind
is bogged down by a fog of misconception
a constant background noise of criticism,
you’re so, so, so far beyond adequate
to be able to take on 7 full time jobs
of being a student, a family member,
an amazing fucking friend,
a support line, a member of multiple clubs,
an aspiring member of the work force,
a person that has to deal with their mental health
when counselors aren’t available because they’re
only opened 8-5 monday’s through friday’s
and you’re too afraid to call the 24/7 crisis hotline
and even when the counselors are open, you aren’t quite sure
you’re ready or able to talk to someone else about these things
because this shit is personal.
this is beyond adequate,
this is so much more
than what so many people have to deal with,
so what if someone might have it worse than you,
that doesn’t mean that you aren’t suffering in your own way;
every kind of sadness is valid.
and i know that sometimes
you can’t remember the last time you cried
for any reason other than this fucking mental illness
and i know that sometimes it feels like you can’t cry
unless it’s for this fucking mental illness
and i just want to let you know
that it’s okay to cry
whenever you need to,
and maybe a little bit before that
so that it doesn’t all gush out like a dam
breaking through its walls;
it’s okay to cry.
and i know sometimes it feels like
you’re making it up in your head
and that you’re somehow doing it
for attention or pity or
something
but know that you are not the only one
and if you’re not the only one
that must mean it is not something you made up
cause what’s the probability of 350 million people
making up the same shit.
but i know that this probably won’t convince you
so just know that i at least believe you
and that whatever you’re feeling, whatever you’re going through
it’s fucking real,
and if you have to chant that to yourself
over and over again for 3 hours before you’ll believe it,
believe it.
and i know that sometimes it feels like
it’s never going to get better
and therapy isn’t helping
talking isn’t helping
nothing is helping
and i don’t really have a response to that
other than sometimes it just takes time
and sometimes you just have to invest in yourself
and sometimes you just have to tough it out
i’m not going to repeat that bullshit
about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem
because i know that that statement always rubbed me the wrong way,
felt like it was invalidating the struggle,
mental illness is a permanent problem,
you’ll have good days and bad days
and you’ll wonder if all the bad is really worth
the brief moments of good,
let me tell you it is,
it is so, so, so worth it for the moment
that you can laugh freely, unburdened of the world
for even just 7 seconds,
the moment you look into someone else’s eyes
and realize how much joy you bring them,
it’s so, so, so worth it.
so, to my suicidal friend, i write this letter
so that in your greatest time of need
or even when you have just a little bit of need,
you have a reminder of why i think you’re worth it
of why you need to continue to struggle and persist
to get to the next day, the next meal, the next hour,
next minute, next second
to my suicidal friend, remember that you are worth it
you are beyond worth it
remember that there are no words for me to
describe how much i believe in you,
to my suicidal friend, please live.
