It’s yet another 2 o’clock at night, my roommates (or family depending on the day) are all asleep, and both of us are sitting here together working up a storm. The assignment doesn’t matter, because it’s the same routine every night, as it has been for the past several years. Both of us discuss working on an assignment, then get worried about several things, either how the assignment will turn out, or how bad/good our quality of work is that day, or the variety of other things that we could/should be working on but aren’t, and eventually we both just decide to “do it later.” It’s a never-ending pattern with us, isn’t it? We both freak out over something ridiculous and nonsensical, and we just delay the inevitable, rather than just working on the project in the first place. Oh, but that’s not even where it ends with us, our relationship doesn’t just end with schoolwork, that’s just the tip of the iceberg for you and me.
On a day to day basis, both of us just walk, side by side, to our classes, heads down because we don’t want people to look at us funny or think we’re weird. We sit in class like we usually do, often worried about what that class’s agenda is and how prepared we are for it (even though you and I both know you keep us in the dorm room for a good ten minutes preparing for class before we even leave). Both of us are fretting and hanging on our professor’s every last word, overthinking and analyzing everything they’ve said before the lesson is over. And once we get back to our dorm room, we’ll make all these grand plans together about how we’ll work on this project on some days, and study for some classes on others. But at the end of the day, you and I both know that you’ll take full control, and none of those plans will ever happen.
Lest we forget how you tend to creep into my social life. Somedays, you’ll have me worried that my friends are sick and tired of me (which isn’t true at all) or you’ll have me worried that my family is going crazy and something bad is going on at home during the week (which usually never happens, and we both know this). You’ll have me doubting the most important people in my life, and even though I can fight you on this harder then all of the other problems you give me, sometimes you do win, and you’ll cause me to doubt myself in ways that I never knew I could before. As much as you’d like to win over me completely, some days you are completely successful, and somedays you get the best of me.
But not every day is your day, and you don’t hinder me completely. I was able to push you back when I wanted to go to the gym regularly, and despite your protests, I’ve gone on days where you made me insecure and uncomfortable. The results are looking better and better every time I see myself in the mirror; I did that, not you. Despite the burden you put on my shoulders, I do a pretty good job with my school work, and despite our tendency to delay as much as possible, I’ll get the better of you eventually, and produce the best work that I can; I work on it, not you. I’ll do my best to be good to my family and friends, and love and care for them like they love and care for me, and no matter what we go through, I know that they’re around for me; unlike you, they actually care for me. Every time you beat me, I always come back stronger. Even on days you manage to get the better of me, I always think of new ways to beat you. Even though I have to live with you, it doesn’t mean that I have to like you. I do have to accept you as a part of myself, and acknowledge that you might get the better of me somedays. But on most days, I just have to trust in my better angels, and outmaneuver you as best as I can. Maybe someday I can be rid of you completely, but until that day comes, I’ll do everything in my power to get the better of you.
