I’ve been writing this letter for weeks. Starting then deleting because you’ll never see it. I would never want you to see it, I would never want you to read the rush of thoughts and emotions every time I am submerged in your presence. I would never want to hurt you.
I will never tell you about all the times you stomped on my heart. I will never force you to face the reality of the pain you caused. I wanted with every fiber of my being for us to make it. I wanted everyone to be wrong about where our relationship was headed.
They said that the part of you that I love so much does not correct for the part of you that broke my heart. I was in love with part of you. The part that makes me laugh. The part that holds me on my bad days and loves life just as much as me on the good days. The part of you that makes me feel safe at night. It’s the part of you that I struggle to let go of when its time to leave because I can never be sure of when I’ll see it again. I loved that part of you with my whole heart. I loved it so much that I let it blind me from reality. I let it make excuses for you when you had none to give. I let it keep me from seeing the part of you that I can’t stand being in the same room with.
A very wise person once told me that there’s a way to find out what kind of person someone really is. She said “if you tell someone that something in your relationship isn’t working, there are only two possible outcomes. If you tell that person and you see them making any kind of effort to fix it, that’s a person you hold onto. You hold onto them for dear life because that’s a person who truly cares. That’s the kind of person you should love with your whole heart because they’re going to fight for it.
However, if you tell someone that there’s an issue in your relationship and they ignore it, that’s a person who you need to walk the hell away from. They wont be there for you at the end of the day.
They said I need to walk away.
Because there’s a part of you that walks all over me. It’s the part of you that I have learned to predict responses from just to avoid heartache. It says things like “don’t hold your breath for an apology”. It says “This is something you keep bringing up and I’m not going to change it.” It’s the part of you that screams I don’t care in the spaces between your words. It’s the part of you that gets angry enough to screech “shut the f*** up” at someone you claimed to love. But in four swift words you disregarded my emotions, my mind, my being. It is this part of you that I don’t deserve to worry about facing every single day.
But there’s still this part of you that I love. That I want to be with and share my happiness with. God I adored that part of you so much, I would have done anything for it, but its not enough of you. Maybe one day it will be. Maybe one day that part of you will be the entire you, and maybe I’ll miss out; but I couldn’t wait for that day because that other part of you was destroying me.
They said you’d learn to love me in my absence, but I know from experience that that, well… that is the worst type of love
And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
