Whether you choose to celebrate Valentine’s Day or not, everyone knows that it is a holiday that bears the message of love. I believe that we all have either one defining experience or one significant person in our lives that colors the way we love. In my case, I was gifted with both.
My grandfather, Pa-Paw, was an incredible man. He was about as bold as a person could be yet was one of my favorite people. Serving as a pastor for thirty-seven years, he selflessly dedicated his life to the Lord and touched many lives in a multitude of churches. That is an admirable legacy to leave. But to me, his legacy is even greater.
When I was six years old, about a year before he passed away, he and my Ma-Maw made a special trip up to our house for the weekend. This was wonderful because traveling was harder for Pa-Paw as his dementia progressed. As he and Ma-Maw were getting ready to leave on Sunday, I ran to him, said goodbye and told him I loved him. To my surprise, he stood there and told me he didn’t love me but hated me. It was difficult for me to comprehend this rejection from a person who I looked up to and loved so much for as long as I could remember. Later that day, my mom tried to explain to me that his mind was not right and he didn’t mean what he said. But a six year old doesn’t understand dementia. I was too young to believe any of that. That was a day and experience that defined me and the way I love. Even though that painful memory is way more vivid than I wish, it taught me what it takes to love someone unconditionally. If you look up the meaning of unconditional love on Dictionary.com, you will find the term defined as “affection with no limits or conditions”. I will always love my Pa-Paw without limits or conditions.
A little over a year later, my heart broke even more. My parents and I came back from trick-or-treating to a voicemail that my Pa-Paw had died. While his passing was not unexpected at the time, I was just naïve enough to have conviction that he would hold on a while longer. I’ll never forget that night, crying myself to sleep, wishing I had one more day with the exuberant man who gave the warmest hugs.
As I’ve been told by family members, I treasured my Pa-Paw since before I could even talk. Apparently, my older cousin drew more to my Ma-Maw but my face would light up every time Pa-Paw walked in to the room. I’m told that he was extremely impatient for me to learn to talk and walk. He was loud, opinionated, and a social butterfly to say the least. I thought it was so funny how he slept in his chair, right in front of the TV, nearly all hours of the day. Whenever we all sat down at the dinner table to eat, I would eat my meal hurriedly so that I could put on a concert, using his cane as a mic. He was thrilled when he found out I would be playing basketball, even though he didn’t live to watch any of my games. I was his “sugar” and he was my Pa-Paw. That will never change.
Regardless of the fact that I’ve lived eleven years without you here, I still miss you every single day. Every birthday to me is another reminder that I am about to live another year without you. Each Halloween, I am shaken awake by the memory of the night when we got that call. Before every basketball game, either in recreational league, middle school, or high school, I thought of you prior to stepping onto the court. And though you’ve been gone for over half my life now, I hope you know how much you will always mean to me. Thank you isn’t nearly enough, but I am so grateful to have known you and been loved by you. This emptiness in my heart is a privilege to bear since you left such a lasting impact on my life. No matter how many years pass by without you here on Earth, you will forever be present in my heart.
Sending you all my love from this side of heaven,
Your sugar
