I'm not a huge fan of open letters, but this week, I felt like this was a topic I needed to write about. I've been a people-pleaser all my life, making sure everyone else's needs are fulfilled before my own. So, here's a letter to anyone else in my situation who feels like being a people-pleaser can be draining.
Dear people-pleaser,
Welcome to the club of feeling like you can never hurt anyone's feelings, constantly worrying about whether what you have to say is going to upset someone. Maybe you've been in a work-related situation where everyone wants your help, and you have a hard time saying no simply because you want to make everyone happy. You're a "yes man" (or "yes woman"), but you quickly realize that appeasing everyone just can't happen. You don't have the resources -- or the mental energy -- to do so.
Here's what I have to say to you (and to myself): Start putting yourself first.
OK, that sounds kind of harsh, but here's what I mean. When you always put others before yourself, you start to neglect your own needs. I get it. I've always been the person who wants to make sure everyone else is happy, which is a great trait to have -- until it starts to hurt you. The fact of the matter is this: You can't please everyone, so do what you can without sacrificing your own well-being in the process.
When you stop saying yes to everyone else's needs, you start saying yes to your own. Since I've started becoming more attentive to my own needs while still paying attention to others', I've been much happier. I'm able to help others more effectively because I'm not neglecting my own mental and emotional needs. I've become a better friend, classmate, and family member.
Something I wish I'd realized a long time ago is that there's a difference between being kind and being a people-pleaser. Do not make people happy just for the sake of making people happy; this is what it means to be a people-pleaser. Although we should be kind to everyone, we can't always abide by our definition of "kind," which, for us, means to be nice to everyone and exhaust our ability to helps others.
Realize that this world isn't perfect. Realize that you are not the one to make everyone else happy, even if you have such a strong desire to do so. You cannot please everyone, but you can please some. Distribute your energy and your help in the way you see fit. Please those who deserve it, not those who ask for it.
I wish I could make everyone happy, and I know that you do too. Sadly, that's not how life works. I hate to be the pessimist, but this is an imperfect world, and we are imperfect humans. We cannot please everyone, so let's do what we can for those who've earned our love and attention.
Sincerely,
A fellow former people-pleaser
