A large problem many people with chronic pain face is not only the pain itself, but explaining this pain to others. So many people do not understand what it’s like to live every day with a body that’s betraying you.

Most people know someone who deals with chronic pain, yet they don’t know at all what it feels like or how to connect to this person. If you feel this way, below are some ways to help you better understand what these people, myself included, are going through on a daily basis.

1. Chronic pain feels different for everyone.

It affects people differently, and it changes all the time. I have felt electrical shocks run through my body, razor blades against my skin, and painful bloating that distends my stomach so far that it looks as if I’m thirty pounds heavier than I am. I have looked in the mirror before, positive my skin must be black and blue, trying to remember who beat me up last night, only to find that I am unmarred. It can be a dull ache; a stiff joint or limb; a throbbing sensation; a pulsing, hot area; or feel as if something is stuck beneath the skin that’s trying to get out. Often, it’s difficult to explain what we’re feeling. Just take our word for it: It’s painful.

2. Chronic pain is exhausting.

Have you ever stayed up all night? If you have, you know the feeling you get halfway through the next day, when you are utterly exhausted and are simply struggling to keep your eyes open through a blinding headache that is pulling you towards your bed. When you have chronic pain, that’s the feeling you wake up with. Every. Single. Day. It’s a challenge merely to force your eyelids open and pull yourself out of bed, not to mention face what you have to do that day.

3. Chronic pain heightens the pain of everything else.

Do we hear that buzzing light that’s annoying you? Do we notice how loudly that person claps their hands? Do we notice how suddenly bright it is in the room when someone yanks on the light switch? Yes, we do, and we feel these things like electrical impulses through our bodies at a strength a hundred times worse than it is for the average person. And not only do these little changes in our environment send our nerves firing off, but we can’t tune them out. So as your subconscious gets used to the annoying sound of the buzzing light to help you focus on your task at hand, ours is still freaking out over it, making it impossible to get anything else done.

4. It’s even worse when you’re sick.

Everyone knows the common cold can knock you down, but for us, it’s not just a possibility, it’s a fact. The common cold feels like the flu: body aches, an unhappy stomach, swollen joints. You name it, we have the symptom. And when it’s something worse than a cold, expect that you won’t be seeing us for a few days.

5. No, we don’t want to try another wonder drug.

The truth is, they don’t work. Even if they manage to take some pain away, they make us so exhausted or give us such awful side effects that it just isn’t worth it. We are tired of being guinea pigs. We want something that actually works, or we don’t want anything.

6. Please don’t feel bad when we flinch.

And please don’t make us feel guilty because you feel like you can’t hug us. We want to be hugged. We want to be comforted. But when our pain is at its highest, it feels like your trying to suffocate us rather than hug us. So, if you remember, please ask whether we want to be hugged, and don’t feel bad if we say “no.” If you forget to ask, don’t feel guilty when we flinch. We’re used to it, and we’d rather the moment passed without notice.

7. Please don’t make us feel guilty when we can’t go out.

Sometimes, the pain gets really bad. It’s unbearable, to the point where we can’t get out of bed. We aren’t trying to avoid you – we really do want to spend time with you. But what we are going through is hard to explain and hard to prove, so you’re going to have to believe us when we say we’re just in too much pain to go out.

8. Don’t try to make us eat something we don’t want to eat.

We are probably avoiding foods that we know trigger our symptoms. These are not legitimate allergies, but these foods affect our bodies in different ways that can be painful. It’s likely that these food sensitivities will come and go like waves. No, we’re not trying to trick you by saying we can’t eat something, and then eat it later. We’re just trying to take the best care of ourselves that we can. Don’t try to talk us into eating something we don’t want – you don’t see the pain it causes us later, and we don’t want to go through it again.

9. Please remember that it’s a legitimate disease, with good days and bad days.

When we’re having a good day, please don’t bring it up. We’re just trying to enjoy it. Don’t ruin the legitimacy of it by bringing up that whatever we’re doing we shouldn’t be capable of because of the pain we’re supposed to have. We know, and we’re enjoying every second of it. Just because there are moments we live without pain doesn’t mean we don’t have chronic pain. We’re having a good moment – don’t spoil it.

But most importantly...

10. We can do everything you can do.

At the point of initial diagnosis, I was quite weak. But I’ve grown over the years to the point now that I exercise daily and train others to do the same. I have gotten used to the everyday pain, and I know things that can help me get through the nasty flare-ups that before would cripple me. That doesn’t mean I don’t live without pain, but it does mean that I am going to get out and do everything my body should be capable of, whether I pay for it later or not. Instead of tearing me down, or trying to point out that I must not have chronic pain anymore, just support me. Better yet, treat me like I’m normal – whether or not I have chronic pain shouldn’t have to be a conversation topic.

We know it’s tough having a loved one who deals with chronic pain. We know you want to help. The best thing you can do is to be there when we want to talk, and to just be a normal friend the rest of the time.

We don’t want to always acknowledge the way we’re feeling because we’re trying to ignore it and just have a good time. If you have questions, ask, but please phrase them in a way that we know you acknowledge the way we feel as valid, because we’re tired of people not believing us and trying to make us prove the way we feel. As simple as it sounds, if you treat us like you treat everyone else you love, we couldn’t ask for anything better.