Introvert. That was my label through most of high school. I was quiet and kept to myself, so it seemed to fit. Don't get me wrong, I am an introvert - an INFJ to be exact - but I am so much more than that. I'm introspective. Simply put, introspective is when you can look deeply into your own thoughts or feelings. I've tried to explain it to people, but most don't really understand what I mean. It's incredibly difficult to put into words, but this is my attempt.

Being an introspective is like being trapped in your mind. The thoughts don't stop. I listen to you and as I'm processing what it means for you, I'm also looking at how it relates to me, and I begin to see myself in a new light. It's a switch that is never turned off. Some days I feel like I'm insane, and part of the reason I'm so quiet is because if people knew all the thoughts I have I'd be afraid that they wouldn't accept me. I can't just simply tell you things. I can't start the conversation. Want a peek into my mind? Ask. Ask a lot. I love answering questions, and sometimes it might take a lot to get a solid answer, and sometimes there might not be a complete answer. Let me tell you about the things I love, the things I hate, and the things nobody, and I mean nobody knows of. If you don't ask, you won't know.

I come off as quiet because there are too many thoughts to come out. It's not a simple categorizing matter, it's that my machine is always running. I have questions for everyone about everything, but I can't ask because (1) there are too many, and (2) sometimes I'm too afraid of the answers. I'm too afraid to hear what I don't want to, and I'm too afraid you won't understand why I need to know. It's not just that I'm nosy, it's that I love deep conversations, but getting to that point can be really hard.

Technology would logically make deep conversations easier, but for me it's harder. With technology, I can read what I've said. I can rehearse the perfect answer and make it sound so stereotypical; I can take away the personality that you would see in person. You want the real me? Catch me late, like after 11:00 pm and sit me down and just talk. Tell me about everything. Ask me about everything. Face to face is so important to me, because it seems so concrete, so real. It's not this conversation in my head or on my phone. It's in front of me written on your face.

The struggle can be getting face to face.

My best friend and I have the best conversations late at night in her pool. The downside? We see each other in person only once a year. But we make do. We FaceTime. It's not completely the same, but its so much better than texting or even just calling. I can be so much more myself. It's not always easy to just flip that switch to open up, but its a hell of a lot easier than trying to text everything out.

I talk in thoughts. It's hard for you to keep up, and I'm not going to lie, I struggle with wondering if I'll ever find someone who wants to commit to trying to match that pace the rest of their life. My words are more important than my sentences.

I exhaust myself. Like I said, the switch doesn't come off; It's turned on, and it's broken. Sometimes I begin to think that's why I like sleep so much: it's my only peace. I don't dream often, and I'm completely okay with that: dreams are too real for me. They come so realistically. They can hurt too much. I can sleep for 9 hours and dream and wake up more exhausted than if I was running on 4 hours of sleep on a 15 hour day.

Despite this, I wouldn't change being introverted. It allows me to understand so much about myself and those around me. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings, but I love being able to understand so deeply.