An Open Letter To The Guy I Keep Going Back To

An Open Letter To The Guy I Keep Going Back To

Here's an attempt to explain why I keep coming back.
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One day I hope it is going to be funny. I hope ten years from now you are either sitting next to me laughing about these moments or I am laughing at how naïve I was for thinking we could ever be something.

We all have that friend who goes back to the same guy over and over again. Well, I am that friend.

I can’t believe since April I kept on going back to you. Correction, I keep on going back to you.

For a while, you were out of sight, out of mind. Summer was easier because of that. We had states between us. But then one day, you were still out of sight, but I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I have been battling myself ever since.

I keep on going back and reminding myself of when things were good. There were days I would be the happiest girl in the world, even if it was from a simple text or Snapchat from you.

Obviously, I think I had valid reasons to believe it was something real.

You texted me just to talk pretty much every day. You came to visit, even though it was inconvenient and you drove home at 2 in the morning. Honestly, I kept thinking we were headed in the same direction. But then somewhere one of us took a wrong turn. I can already hear you say it was your fault that we fell apart because you said it once before, but I know it was me.

The other day my friend asked me who I would choose if I could be with anyone and of course I said you.

I would always choose you.

I’ve tried walking away before, but I always find myself running back. I constantly find myself going through a cycle. I am okay one week and then the next week I might be sobbing in my best friend’s room because I just don’t know what to do about you.

It is easier to deal with everything right now because you have a girlfriend. There's nothing I can do. But what if things end with her? Then you're single and that could honestly be worse.

Although the first go-round with you did not go as planned, I find myself wanting to go back. I wonder what could have been and what could possibly be if I give you a second chance. Because I would. I would give you ten million chances if you asked.

I realize the thought of giving someone a million chances is absurd. So, why do we do this? Why is it that we all have that one person that we cannot seem to let go and get over? After much thought, I have some sort of explanation for this common occurrence amongst us all.

The first reason that came to mind was simply that I am still falling for you. I constantly find myself thinking of you. When my friend says she saw you and tells a funny story, I think about how much I would pay to be there. The first time I saw you after we fell apart, I felt the same way I felt the night we met. I had butterflies in my stomach and I couldn’t focus on anything else because you were in the room.

No matter how great a person the other guys may have been that I have met, the fact that they were not you stopped me from pursuing them.

So why do I keep going back to you? Most would say love. Am I in love with you? That is a strong word; It’s a very scary thought, but I think it could very well be true.
Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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An Open Letter to the Guy I'm Finally Getting Over

I think I'm ready to listen to the happy Taylor Swift songs again.
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I remember when all of this started. I couldn't have predicted you if I'd tried. I was so focused on myself that it took me a while to even admit I was interested in you. You were the one I didn't see coming, and then before long, you were the one I couldn't imagine leaving.

I'll be honest. I lied to myself and to everyone else for a long time. “We aren't anything serious," I'd say. “I'm just having fun." How stupid was I to think that I could resist getting caught up in you? Those months that we spent together were some of the best of my life. I didn't think it was possible for a someone to make me laugh like you did, to make me feel the way you did. You brought out a side of me I had never seen before, and even though that scared me, I didn't want it stop.

You had me so fooled.

One day, just like that, you were gone, and before I knew it I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I couldn't imagine how someone I had given so much to could just leave like that and not even look back. The months after that was a string of waking up and losing you all over again, telling my friends I was fine one second and crying to them the next. And the second I started thinking I was okay, I saw you again. We talked, I cried, I yelled, you cried, you yelled, and for a couple weeks I pretended that everything would be okay, and you really meant it this time and we would make it. But just like before, it wasn't real.

Realizing that took me longer than I'd like to admit, but this is what I need you to know: I'm moving on. Finally, after months of dialing your number just to talk myself out of it, I can say that I'm moving on. I won't listen to sad songs anymore. I won't look at our pictures and re-live the days we spent together. I'm erasing every trace of you. I'm smiling brighter, I'm laughing louder, and if it's the last thing I do, I swear I'll find something that's better than what we had.

That's not to say that your memory won't knock the breath out of me on a Tuesday afternoon when our song comes through my headphones. That's not to say that I won't remember the promises you made me and want to scream at myself for ever believing you. But the difference is that I'll recognize the pain in those memories, and then I'll set them down and walk away. Because I'm done carrying them with me and I'm done giving you that power over me.

So don't call me up someday when I've finally forgotten your laugh; don't think about me at all if you can help it. You lost that right when you made the choices you did. This isn't some stupid love story we'll tell later down the road about how we beat the odds and came through stronger on the other side. This is done, do you understand? I'm finally done.

Years from now I'll look back on the adventures we had and laugh at how crazy we were. I'll remember the fierce happiness I felt while we were running wild together and I'll be grateful for this because it has molded me in ways I can't begin to explain. Someday I'll tell my daughter about you and pray that she learns from my mistakes, and when that day comes I'll wonder where you are and genuinely wish you the kind of happiness that I will have found.

I know you'll never read this. But I'll read this, on those nights when it feels like everything is starting to fall apart. Again and again and again, I'll read this and remind myself of the promise I'm making at this very moment, to look forward and stop letting your memory dictate my happiness. Someone wise once said, “Suddenly you'll just know, that it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Well I'm trusting that this was just one short chapter of my book, and this is me turning the page.

Onto the next.

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My Rating On Ghosting? BOO.

Just recently I found out what it was like to be ghosted, and it literally is almost worse than going through a tough breakup.

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Ghosting is literally one of the worst things I've experienced. I give it a 0/10 on my list of things I'd love to try again.

It makes you feel like everything said, any interest someone had in you, was all a complete sham. If you've got anxiety, it can keep your mind running around in circles thinking about what it is you did wrong and what you could have changed to make things work out. Your heart breaks a little no matter how little you really got to know them (unless you weren't that interested) because there was a potential that they'd be a great companion (at least until they completely disappeared, that is). Even if you say you don't care, some small part of you does and is just trying to put on a brave face. You wonder why all of a sudden the person is disinterested when nothing you did changed. It feels almost worse than a breakup, because you never got to experience the grand love affair that real couples do, and the ones who ghost never let you see it coming, whereas there's a small chance in a relationship.

If your situation is anything like mine was, there is literally no way you could have imagined being ghosted. The guy in question seemed like he cared, and was there for me every single day after we began talking. We even met in person and called each other boyfriend and girlfriend after he asked me to be official. We never got to see each other after that because of the distance, though I tried to make plans, and then the blocking/ghosting out of nowhere. There was no fight, there was no explanation, he was just gone completely.

I understand that some people go through things internally, too, and they might not feel like sticking around with someone they don't care for anymore. I get that sometimes circumstances change and that you don't want to hurt someone. What I truly don't understand is not having the decency to be honest about those things if they come up. If you don't want to be with someone, just explain to them, and then if they become too angry, or something you can't handle, you have the right to block them. Don't just do it to avoid having a potentially uncomfortable conversation. It is disrespectful and implies that the other person is no longer worth your time or effort.

I don't wish ill on the guy who ghosted me. I truly hope he has a great life, and that he achieves the things he sets out to do. I just wish I could have been there to support him along the way, for at least some time if we wouldn't have lasted. Instead, I don't even get to tell him how proud I am of him whether we would have been together or not when he does have a great life and does great things.

I know we obviously weren't meant to work out, but we were meant to be honest with each other as we promised. I never lied to him, so I wish he wouldn't have lied to me.

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