An Open Letter To The Guy I Keep Going Back To

An Open Letter To The Guy I Keep Going Back To

Here's an attempt to explain why I keep coming back.

One day I hope it is going to be funny. I hope ten years from now you are either sitting next to me laughing about these moments or I am laughing at how naïve I was for thinking we could ever be something.

We all have that friend who goes back to the same guy over and over again. Well, I am that friend.

I can’t believe since April I kept on going back to you. Correction, I keep on going back to you.

For a while, you were out of sight, out of mind. Summer was easier because of that. We had states between us. But then one day, you were still out of sight, but I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I have been battling myself ever since.

I keep on going back and reminding myself of when things were good. There were days I would be the happiest girl in the world, even if it was from a simple text or Snapchat from you.

Obviously, I think I had valid reasons to believe it was something real.

You texted me just to talk pretty much every day. You came to visit, even though it was inconvenient and you drove home at 2 in the morning. Honestly, I kept thinking we were headed in the same direction. But then somewhere one of us took a wrong turn. I can already hear you say it was your fault that we fell apart because you said it once before, but I know it was me.

The other day my friend asked me who I would choose if I could be with anyone and of course I said you.

I would always choose you.

I’ve tried walking away before, but I always find myself running back. I constantly find myself going through a cycle. I am okay one week and then the next week I might be sobbing in my best friend’s room because I just don’t know what to do about you.

It is easier to deal with everything right now because you have a girlfriend. There's nothing I can do. But what if things end with her? Then you're single and that could honestly be worse.

Although the first go-round with you did not go as planned, I find myself wanting to go back. I wonder what could have been and what could possibly be if I give you a second chance. Because I would. I would give you ten million chances if you asked.

I realize the thought of giving someone a million chances is absurd. So, why do we do this? Why is it that we all have that one person that we cannot seem to let go and get over? After much thought, I have some sort of explanation for this common occurrence amongst us all.

The first reason that came to mind was simply that I am still falling for you. I constantly find myself thinking of you. When my friend says she saw you and tells a funny story, I think about how much I would pay to be there. The first time I saw you after we fell apart, I felt the same way I felt the night we met. I had butterflies in my stomach and I couldn’t focus on anything else because you were in the room.

No matter how great a person the other guys may have been that I have met, the fact that they were not you stopped me from pursuing them.

So why do I keep going back to you? Most would say love. Am I in love with you? That is a strong word; It’s a very scary thought, but I think it could very well be true.
Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Dear Diary

Heartbrokenness tastes of strawberries

Diary Entry #23

Who is she? I asked. Nobody, you said. You wrapped your arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. I wrapped my arms around your waist and watched the woman with red lipstick and strawberry hair walk outside our living room window. You pull back and I give you a crooked smile. I promise you, you said. She’s nobody. You kissed me again… but this time on my lips. You taste like strawberries, I said through closed lips. My fingers found your frayed belt and I unbuckled it. I kissed down your neck, your chest, your torso, until I was on my knees. I pulled your pants and underwear down, and—

All I could see… was red.

Should I leave him?

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To The Guy Who Went Through His 'Jerk Phase' With Me, I Hope Your New Girl Doesn't See What I Did

I hope that your jerk phase is in the past and that the old you never comes out again.

Hey, stranger,

I’ve got a lot to say, but I’ll try to keep it short. For me, writing what I’m thinking is much easier than actually saying it, so here we go.

I guess some people go through phases in their lives where they aren’t themselves. Sometimes you get hurt so bad, and it changes you.

Not everyone can shake it. Sometimes the hurt cripples you like an illness, and that is exactly what it did to you.

At the time, I thought it was just your personality. I thought you were a twisted and cruel person.

Now, I see that it was just a phase for you. You were burned by someone else before you met me, and what she did to you caused you to become a jerk.

You didn’t know what you wanted so you kept everyone at a distance. You lost sight of how to treat girls and what respect means.

You became a bad guy.

Enter me.

I think you did care for me genuinely. It was just bad timing for us to meet. There was potential for us to be the right person for each other. The timing was off for you, though.

You had walls built up too high for me to reach. No matter how hard I tried to fix you, you remained bulletproof. You were made of steel. Nothing could penetrate you. You were cold and heartless.

Little did I know, you were in bad a place at the time. It’s possible it wasn’t all a phase, and you really are a low-life. Maybe your true colors were shining through. It’s possible, but I think it was just a phase.

You were the guy who said he never wanted to be in a relationship again because you were burned so bad the last time. You made excuse after excuse for why we couldn’t be together. You had me convinced that you wanted to be alone forever.

I knew deep down that wasn’t true. You didn’t want to be alone forever. You weren’t yourself. You were broken, and you were filling the emptiness with me.

Three years later, I can clearly see you are doing better now. You’re in a relationship, and I couldn’t be happier for you. I’ve always wanted you to be happy.

I can’t lie, though, it seems a little unfair that I was sucked into your jerk phase.

I went through the craziness and saw your mean streak. I saw you at your lowest and suffered the repercussions.

Now, she gets the better version of you who is healed and ready for something more. I can’t help but say it seems a little unfair.

She didn’t go through what I did with you. That makes her lucky. She didn’t see what I saw or feel what I felt. That makes her lucky.

No, she’s getting the version of you that I should have gotten too. I didn’t deserve the heartless you. I deserved better.

You know I did.

Honestly, I am happy for you, and I hope you are at peace with where you are in life. I hope she never sees what I saw or experiences what I did.

I hope that your jerk phase is in the past and that the old you never comes out again.


Someone you used to know

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

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