Dear You,

Ever since I met you I knew you were going to either be trouble or the greatest thing to come into my life. I never expected it to be both. From the moment I saw you we had the undeniable connection, one I’ve never had with anyone in my life. You became my best friend within the first 24 hours of really getting to know you. Honestly, I don’t know how I let it happen.I’m usually really cautious with the male species, but you were, and still are, the only exception.

The only way I can describe the first few months of getting to know you and dating you is by one of my all-time favorite movie quotes.

“I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half.” -- "The Jerk"

We would go on walks and talk for hours upon hours and then realize that we had class tomorrow and it was already 3 o’clock in the morning. Singing our favorite rock songs and watching the craziest YouTube videos were so simple but so amazing. Watching your face light up when I started ranting about milk or feet and even when I started having breakdowns about my obsessions with Tommy Shaw and Sloths. Going home for break was my favorite, though. We watched our favorite movies, had an intense Nerf Gun fight and spent time with both of our families, who I truly adore. I trusted you more than ANYONE I ever had and you basically had me wrapped around your fingers.

Then reality set in and you shattered me. The one person who promised to never hurt me and the one person I believed in wholeheartedly shattered me. I don’t just give people my trust and I especially don’t give people my heart. It came out nowhere and I understand that a lot happened that week, but the one person I thought would be there for me through it all, left me in the dust. I was so confused as to why we broke up exactly; I even thought that God himself hated me because of the reason you gave me. I’m still not too sure why exactly we broke up, I mean I know the reasons you said we did, but then a month later all those reasons didn’t exist to you anymore. Well, silly me to think that you and I still had that connection you don’t just find in anyone. Again, I gave you my heart, but the only difference, this time, is that it took you less than 48 hours to completely shatter my heart again. Again, I still don’t know why you exactly we broke up with me for the second time, but silly me to think that there was still a chance between us, because you never said there wasn’t. Silly me to think that you weren’t like all the other “men” in my life that just used me for their own self-esteem and self-desires then want to act like it never happened.

I have now realized that connection I thought we had may have just been your way to string me along because you knew I’d always be there for you. That all the “you’re my best friend”, “you are a light in my world”, and my personal favorite “I will never use you or hurt you” statements may have been just a way for you to make this all okay between you and God. After all, you said you cared about me, and if you care about someone that should be enough to justify the things we did, right. I just want you to know, after all these things you have done to me, I still care about you. You are still one of my best friends, and I think that’s the part that breaks my heart the most. I still think, way deep down, there is some good in you. I still think we have the undeniable connection makes us more like long lost siblings than anything else. I still would do anything for you or to bring a smile to your face, even if that means drinking milk or touching a foot. I would do these things because unlike you, I truly care about you. I want you to be happy, I want you to not have to worry about anything in life. If some guy who is 7 foot whatever comes and tries to fight you, I'd be the first one to jump on his back and try to hurt him for you. It hurts the most because even to this day when my friends say negative things about you in front of me, I defend you, and it hurts because I know for a fact if the roles were reversed you would sit there a let your friends say anything and everything about me and not defend me. It hurts because, even though this is impossible, if we got kidnapped together and the person holding us hostage said: "Only one of you live, so y'all have to decide." I would, without skipping a beat, tell him to save you because I don't know if I could truly live without my best friend in my life, but you wouldn't do the same for me.

So here’s some advice I have for you, Mr. Heartbreaker, if you ever have the guts to read this. First, before you play with a girl's emotions use that brain God gifted you with to think about their feelings and especially their past situations. This might be a weird realization for you, but we are actually humans, too. We have emotions and they aren’t things you can just turn off. Secondly, before you think about really going after a girl maybe you should use that strong relationship you have with God and ask him “Are my intentions with this girl truly pure and up to your will?” The actions you take within that relationship cannot be taken back with a midnight walk around campus and a gentle hug goodnight. Thirdly, you probably shouldn’t date again until you can truly call yourself an adult and until you can truly make a decision based on your feelings by yourself if you actually have true feelings for the girl. Fourthly, your haircut and your t-shirt, inside joke, will only get you so far with some girls, sometimes girls actually want to date people they can trust with their emotions, not saying you should ever put your trust into anyone but God, but also when you date you should be able to trust the person your with. Lastly, I know this may seem a little vain and a little cliché, but I truly hope you know what you have let go because I don’t think you will ever find someone who would do anything for you as much as I would. Someone that gave you the benefit of the doubt in every situation, even when there was no benefit of the doubt. Someone that would let their friends call her insane because she still cares about the guy who only used her for what he wanted. So here's to you, my best friend, my guilty pleasure, my brother, my heartbreaker.

Sincerely,

The girl who owns the heart you shattered, but was already shattered to begin with.