Five years ago I lost you, I lost you and I never got you back. Five years and I still think about you, I think about what you would think of me today, I think about what you would say to me, what kind of guidance you would’ve given me in all the times I’ve needed it. Too many things I’ve done since you passed on that has left me wondering “would you be proud of this?”, “if you were here to see me, what would you think?”. Growing up I never thought I would have to be without you, I never would’ve thought you wouldn’t be around to see me graduate high school, go to college, law school and meet your great grand-children. There are so many things I was left to experience without you there, to tell me how proud you were of me, and to hear those words you always never stopped telling me no matter what, “I love you.”
People always say “you’ll get over it” or “you’ll forget in time” whenever you lose a loved one or experience any sort of tragedy in your life; Forget? Get over it? How could I ever begin to fathom the thought of forgetting about you, getting over you, a man who has given me so much in life? The man who taught me how to fish and hunt, who put me in his lap while I got to drive his truck home from church every Sunday (Even though I only had my hands on the wheel, but hey, when your 8-years-old, I might as well had been Dale Earnhardt winning the Daytona 500). A man who would never let his eldest grandson go through life without being taught about honesty, integrity, and that a man’s word means everything. Some things you never even taught me that I learned about treating women just by watching the way you treated grandmamma, you always opened doors, pulled her chairs out for her and told her how pretty she was as often as you could. Even when you weren’t actively trying to teach me, you were always teaching me.
There are so many things I want to tell you about, so many things I want to brag to you about that I accomplished in the past five years. I wanted to show you my high school diploma, and show you the letter I got when I was accepted into college and watch your face light up with pride as I brought you my first “Dean’s list” letter. I wanted to hear the words you always told me growing up, “how does it feel to be so smart?”; How much I wanted to hear what you would say when I joined my fraternity or when I was chosen to give a speech at my fraternities milestone 125th celebration banquet. I want to hear how you would feel about me moving out, getting my internship, and moving towards my life goals.
It wasn’t always things I just wanted to hear how proud you would be, there were so many times I needed your advice (Even when I was too stubborn to admit I needed help, you always somehow knew I needed it). When my parents got divorced, I needed you. I needed you more than I ever had before. I didn’t know what to think or really what to do when everything started coming to light and things I started to learn. I think I wanted you the most at that point was because I knew you weren’t going to sugar coat anything for me, you were going to tell me like it was and be there for me after you told me. Now, I’ve really needed your help in the past few weeks with the recent struggle I have been having, I’m sure if you’re looking down on me, like I am sure you are, then you know what I am dealing with. I just know you would be able to help me with it, you would know what to say and tell me what to do.
Something you told me a long time ago, something I would never forget “I’ll always be your granddaddy, and I’ll always be your best friend.” It’s been five years since I last saw you and heard your voice, five years since the last time I got the chance to hug your neck and tell you that I loved you. I’m sorry when you were sick that I never got many chances to come see you, it’s something I will never be able to forgive myself for, but it was hard. It was the hardest thing I ever did, saying goodbye did not pale in comparison to seeing the man I looked up to and admired my whole life in such frail condition. It broke my heart, more than a failing grade in class or a girl I loved could ever do. I hope that you could forgive me, I was scared and too young to understand exactly the gravity, or and the weight of what was going on. I know I will never be able to get back those times I missed, and nothing that I have that I wouldn’t give up to have the chance to be able to say how I felt about you in person.
I know that you would be proud of me no matter what I do in life, you would always love me and never would’ve stopped. Sometimes I just wish I could hear it from you, to hear you tell me you were proud of who I had become, or to criticize me and tell me what I was doing wrong and what I could do to fix it. I wish you could’ve been there to see all of my accomplishments and meet the people in my life. I wish you could’ve been there when I needed you most, and I know I didn’t say the kindest things to God during those times of need, although I am sure that if anyone could put God’s mind at ease and tell him I didn’t mean it, it’d be you. Most of all, I just wish you were here to talk to me, to take me golfing or down to the pond to fish, to say “let’s go hit some balls in the front yard” and spend the day outside. I guess I just wish I had my best friend again, I wish I could tell you I loved you and to hear it back, but it’s okay, in the end I know I’ll see you again someday.
See you (hopefully not too) soon,
Phillip
