Hello?
I really don't know how to start this, as goodbyes have always seemed so final to me, like everything that was there would no longer exist after that one word came out of our mouths. However, feeling no longer matters, as there are thoughts that must now be made known.
While growing up, I always thought I was a pro at saying goodbye because I did it every few years due to the fact I was part of a military family that was uprooted a lot. As I got older, I realized when I said the words goodbye I never meant them in the sense that we would never see each other again—I meant it in a "see you later" sort of way. Now when I say goodbye, I say it with a sense of finality, knowing there is a good chance I will never see you again or that this will be the final time we see each other. Part of me always hoped and will always hope that one day our paths will cross again, and this is not the final time we will see each other.
You see, I don't like ends (and I don't like beginnings that much either). I have always preferred the middle where there is a past and a future and not one or the other. I have always been about the journeys I have taken with others, never focusing too much on where we came from or where we were going, but to those I've said goodbye to. You made me acknowledge our destination and our inevitable parting.
For the most part, I tend not to say goodbye to anyone, rather a "see ya later." I could not say this to you, as I would probably not being seeing you later—one of us would be leaving behind the other. Sometimes, I just want to say, "see you later," so it can feel like I will actually see you later, but instead I must acknowledge the truth that it may be the last time we meet or talk.
I think the worst part of it all is realizing there is so much I would love to tell you, but not exactly sure if I am allowed to say it or if you still even care. The words run through my mind and weigh down my chest, hoping to be spoken. It is also hard watching your life through photos and status updates, realizing your life continues on without me as I must do the same without you. I think leaving is easier than being left, because when you leave, you get a fresh start, but when you're left behind you are surrounded by constant reminders that the certain person is no longer there. The places you used to see them now feel haunted by their absence.
Although I could write more just like our journey together, this too must end. I want you to know I will always be there if you need me and that no matter what, I can never go back to who I was before because I was lucky to have the opportunity to know you.
See you later (since I don't want to say goodbye).
