Dear Sweet Girl:

He’s just not that into you. No, I’m not talking about the highly popular book and even more popular movie. I’m talking about your boyfriend. Harsh? Maybe. True, probably.

If you’re reading this, you are more than likely in the crossroads (or breaking point) of your relationship. There’s a good chance you’ve been with your boyfriend for a few years – maybe even longer. You two may have seen each other through graduations, new jobs, and cross-county relocations. You’ve seen each other at the your highest and at the lowest. There’s no one else you could ever imagine having by your side. He says he feels the same way. The only problem? Every time you mention commitment that is more than sharing the password to the Netflix account, he panics or falls silent.

So what are you to do? You love him. He says he loves you – and he probably does, but he always has a reason for not progressing the relationship. Maybe he claims he’s waiting on the big promotion so he can buy you the huge ring that you deserve – the only problem is, he’s been telling you this story for the past three years, and the last time you checked, he wasn’t exactly employee of the month. Perhaps he has attempted to sell you on the fact that marriage is just a piece of paper and the two of you do not need a document to show your commitment to one another.

Sure, as in the movie, there are exceptions. As you may recall, Ben Affleck’s character finally realizes how important marriage is to Jennifer Aniston’s character, and after allowing her to walk out of his life, he realizes how much of an idiot he is, and he proposes. Yes, even after he had sworn to her marriage was not for him. Beautiful and touching, right? Right. Unfortunately, most of the time, things like this only happen in the movies.

Now, this article is not to bash your boyfriend. There’s a great chance he is an awesome guy. However, he may not see the same future as you, and if he has other ideas or goals, attempting to trick or push him into committing will backfire, and you both will be unhappy.

For instance, when I was 25, I had been dating a guy for about three years. He had a lot of great qualities. He was good to me, he made time for me, he was well educated, and he was loyal as the day was long. In addition, he came from a wonderful family and shared a lot of the same values as I – or so I thought.

After we hit the two year mark in our relationship, I would casually bring up the idea of getting engaged or purchasing our first home together. At first, it seemed, he was on board. He would actually drive us around the neighborhood and we would talk about which homes we would like to buy. We both lived with our parents at the time, so the idea of being on our own was exciting. Once I showed him a jewelry catalog where I had circled rings I liked. I presented it to him and he agreed on the styles and promised to put the catalog somewhere safe. I was elated!

Fast forward another six months. We were both still living at home, however, I had landed a higher paying job and decided to buy my first home. I asked him if he would like to purchase with me. I wish I could explain to you the fear in his eyes as he told me countless reasons why it was not a good time for him to buy – his savings weren’t up to par, he didn’t think it was the right time to purchase, etc.

So, I decided that I would purchase the home on my own and that is just what I did. A couple months later, I moved in – alone. You see, even though he loved me and was very committed to me, he preferred to remain in his parents’ home. Many of my friends – my parents included – started to question his intentions, but I brushed everything off and told them to basically mind their own business, even though it was killing me inside.

Once I was completely moved in, he finally saw I was moving on with my life. He started to act aggravated when we would spend time together. He would also come up with reasons we couldn’t hang out at my house and why we should spend our time at his parents’ house. This went on for a few weeks until I basically told him that I needed him to either propose to me or we should go our separate ways. Surprisingly, he agreed. I figured a break up was imminent, however, a couple days later he showed up on my doorstep with a tiny box in his hand.

“Here you go, “ he said. Surprised, but excited, I opened the box. Inside was a white gold solitaire ring. My heart jumped. This was it. It was really happening! I looked up at him and his face was blank. “Well, is it a yes or no?” he asked, hands on his hips. “Get down on one knee and ask again” I instructed, smiling at him. “No, I’m not doing that,” he said flatly. “Yes or no?” Taken aback, I quickly answered yes. I spent the rest of the evening telling friends and family but silently feeling like I had been deprived of a real proposal.

Six weeks later, we were married in his parents’ church. It was a lovely ceremony with all our closest friends. However, during the ceremony, I couldn’t quite shake a feeling of disappointment. He didn’t look especially happy as I walked down the aisle towards him. When we exchanged vows, he was not smiling and his eyes were cold. Still, we were now married, and that was what was important. Right? Wrong.

The following year was spent trying to help him adjust to married life. Once he officially moved in with me, I can honestly say the happy “newlywed” moments were few and far in between. Most of our time together consisted of me feeling empty, alone, or guilty. He spent the majority of his time finding “discreet” ways to throw jabs and making passive aggressive comments about how he was forced to marry me.

The demise of the relationship came at a very inopportune time. My father had passed away expectantly at the end of October. Initially, my then-husband vowed to stick by my side no matter what. Although I felt overwhelmed with grief due to the passing of my father, I felt for the first time in a long time that my marriage was going to be okay. Maybe things were finally falling into place.

Fast forward to a mere six weeks later. It was now December, just about two weeks before Christmas. We had just returned home from an evening of shopping for our families. I walked into the kitchen and placed the bags on the table. I was babbling on about how many gifts we needed to wrap that night, but he was not responding. Turning to face him, I saw an empty look on his face. “I can’t do this,” he said in the coldest tone I think I have ever heard. “Okay, I’ll wrap most of them” I offered, grabbing a bottle of white wine from the fridge. He shook his head. “This. I can’t be married anymore. You made me do this. I never wanted to marry you. I did not want this life and you forced me into it.” Stunned and hurt, I sat the bottle of wine on the counter and collapsed in the floor. “You asked me to marry you,” I said quietly. “I know,” he said, now looking at the ceiling. “But I only did because I thought I had to. I’m sorry, but I want out.”

I sat in the floor and drank the wine straight from the bottle during the rest of our conversation. Initially, I begged and pleaded with him to change his mind, but he stayed firm. I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. We eventually decided to stick it out until after the holidays as not to ruin them for our family members. By the end of February, we had divided everything, told our parents, and he moved back in with his mother.

At first I was embarrassed. I did not want anyone to know my marriage had failed. I also felt I would never love again and that maybe I just was not wife material. I wrestled with this thought for a long period of time, but then, something happened that changed my way of thinking. I reconnected with my now-husband. We had dated in high school and our split was amicable. We began dating and less than a year later, he proposed to me. I did not have to ask for the proposal; he did it because he wanted to do it. This time, instead of having a ring thrust at me, I was taken to our favorite restaurant and surprised with the proposal during dinner. It felt like something out of the movies. And now, two years later, we are married with a family. Although not perfect, our marriage is effortless with both parties working towards the same goal – being with one another and being there for each other.

I have been asked many times if I am or if I was bitter towards my ex-husband, and to be honest, no; not at all. By opting out, he did me a favor. I am no longer someone’s option; I have found someone who makes me a priority. I also learned the valuable life lesson of not forcing something that was never meant to be.

Sweet girl, please do not be the girl I was when I was younger. Look for the signs. If a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you, no matter what. If he doesn’t, well, there’s nothing that will keep him – not getting an apartment together, getting pregnant, and not even getting married. If you want a future together and he makes jokes, changes the subject, or looks like a deer in headlights every time commitment is mentioned, do yourself a favor. Reevaluate the situation. Do not be afraid to move on if your needs are not being met. You are worth it and the only person missing out will be the guy who failed to see how awesome you are.

All the best,

Kristin.