Any Girl Hiding Behind A Mask,
First of all, I understand.
I understand the pain you feel everyday. I understand your fear of admitting how you really feel. I understand how hard it is to wake up and wish you could curl up in a ball and not deal with the world. I understand what it's like to feel alone, despite being surrounded by people who love you. I understand not feeling loved and hating yourself for feeling that way. And most importantly, I understand using a smile so people don't see how you feel.
I can imagine how your day goes. You wake up every morning praying that you won't have to get up and face the judgmental world where you feel like you can't be your honest self. You'd rather stay in bed for days than go out, even for a few hours and face people who don't understand what you're going through.
You put up a massive shield, especially around people you wouldn't consider your BFF, but also not a stranger. This person, an acquaintance, sees only what's on the outside, and until you know that you can show your true pain around them, you put on a smile and keep them at a distance. You don't want anyone to see the brokenness and loneliness in your heart. If someone makes a comment or asks you a question, you may deflect by asking a question in return or making a witty comment. Whatever it takes to cover up the pain, you do it.
Maybe you feel weak showing your pain because feeling depressed, broken or any emotions lacking happiness are seen as a weakness in today's world. It is treated as a topic that shouldn't be discussed during family gatherings, like politics and religion, the only difference is, unlike politics and religion, mental illnesses are not talked about at all.
Because of this, you may feel like you need to suffer alone. You feel that if you try to tell someone, even the smallest bit of pain you're feeling, they will not see you as brave or strong, but inadequate or faint-hearted.
This couldn't more of a lie. As someone who has seen first hand what a deadly disease, like cancer, can do to a person, showing your pain shows courageousness that is equally as great as someone facing their cancer head on. So, you shouldn't feel like you need to wear a mask because the people who deserve to be in your life will not see you as weak. They may feel bad for not realizing what's in your heart, but if they really care about you, they'll let you soak their shirt in tears as you lower the mask, maybe for the first time in your life.
The first time you reveal any part of your heart to anyone, especially if it's full of pain, will be the hardest. As time goes on, you may be able to get rid of your mask altogether and have the smile on your face be genuine.
I know all of this because I am that girl. I am the girl who acts like everything is okay because I don't want people to know what I feel or see how deep my pain is. I am the girl who makes comments, not always nice ones, so that people can't read my real emotions. I am the girl who cries herself to sleep at night where no one can see or hear me. I am the girl who wakes up, terrified of what the day will bring. I am the girl who hides behind a smile.
Sincerely,
The Girl Behind The Mask
