Among the bumps, dead ends, and detours that have crept up on me thus far, I've had no choice but to notice both the beauty and the danger that accompanies an analytical mind- it's truly a journey in itself to feel everything so strongly- to be fueled with passion and to immensely scrutinize every detail of every situation.
I've spent the last seventeen years of my life trying to figure things out. And I think that's where I've gone wrong.
Because I've tried with all my being to make sense out of things that would always be too complex for a satisfying perception.
I've tried so hard to defeat the rough edges, to mend each broken corner of myself, and I've sought ways to heal wounds that in the end only left strength as a scar.
Still, I'm left searching for answers- answers to quite important aspects in my life that I am utterly and overwhelmingly unsure of.
At one time, I thought I had the plans for my future symmetrically unfolded. But I was downright mistaken. I now cringe every time someone asks me what I want to do after high school because frankly, it's an unsettling idea to be uncertain about such a dynamic decision.
For a simple girl, I've never lacked the capability to complicate things. I've held this subconscious belief that I should at all times have things figured out. But I realize it's only been a huge misconception.
It's okay to not have it all together at all times. It's okay to feel like one huge mess and, eventually, you learn to embrace it in the most beautiful way possible. And in actuality, I have known exactly what I've wanted to be all along. I may not be fully convinced on a career yet, or even who I am supposed to be in this world, and as many things as there are that I am unsure of, I am sure I want to be so much more.
I want to be sincere.
In everything that I do. I want genuine intentions to flow effortlessly from within me.
I want to be forbearing.
I want to appear as a gentle spirit who holds the power to always offer hope to the helpless and compassion to the confused.
I want to be graceful.
Despite the rigidness that sometimes takes charge, I want to be able to express the beauty in becoming- to comprise the exquisiteness of a fragile heart.
I want to be engaging.
To captivate minds, not only the eye.
I want to be intuitive.
Fired with emotion, with an understood reflection of myself.
I want to be thoughtful.
To always remember to be cautious and considerate of one's feelings and perspective; an aim to remain friendly and approachable even on a bad day.
I want to be open-minded.
Not necessarily easily swayed from my own beliefs, but rather susceptible to new ideas and more accepting of change.
I want to be content.
To know that the goodness will always outweigh the struggles. I want to be at ease; to be fulfilled in the purest way that only heartfelt happiness will be experienced.
I want to be loved.
In the truest and richest way - by someone who holds fascination in my chaotic mind, someone who is accepting and understanding, someone who fulfills my heart and empowers me to be a better me than I was yesterday- I want to love and be loved.
And I think everyone should want to be the same.
Because no matter what, there is always so much more to be than someone who has it all figured out.
Though the things I am unsure of comes in an abundance, what I am sure of is that I am capable of being much more than what any ounce of uncertainty could ever define me to be.
