Dear friend,
You don’t know it, but coming to you was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. I am not a person who takes imperfection lightly. I have spent most of my life arguing with myself over the idea that it is human to make mistakes. If I do not live up to my own expectations, my mind becomes an endless pool of self-defeat.
“How could you do that?”
“You knew better.”
"That was a stupid mistake.”
"You’re an idiot.”
“Worthless."
I didn’t know where these
thoughts were coming from at first. I had always been a relatively positive
person. There was no way I could let myself admit that I had any kind of problem, nevertheless admit it to anyone else.
You don’t know it, but I sat in my car for ten minutes before coming inside, paralyzed by the thought of you hating me. There were times when loving myself was the biggest struggle of my day. Accepting that someone else could like me the way that I am: crooked teeth, loud mouth, un-even body, and annoying habits. To do so without an ounce of regret was a fairytale to me. Friendship never had a true definition for me until you accepted me with open arms. You held me as I cried, stroked my hair and told me that it was okay that I made mistakes, when I couldn’t even fathom how anyone could accept my imperfections.
You don’t know this, but there were nights that I was so scared of myself that I stared at your number for hours before I could press the green button. I would be lying if I told you that I called you every time I was having a hard night. There were nights when I couldn’t make myself move, in order to get to the phone. I was stuck where I was, crying, wishing I didn’t have to be alone, but believing I deserved it.
On the nights I did call you, your voice was like a light from Heaven. I could see my way through the dark tunnel of negativity I had built for myself, like a home. Even if it was just for that one moment in my night, it made all of the difference.
You don’t know it, but you saved my life. If you had not been there for me when you were, I would not be here today. If you had not been there, I never would have been able to admit that I had a problem that I needed to face. You love me unconditionally for whatever reason and, for that, I am forever grateful. "Thank you" will never be enough to express my profound gratitude. Instead, I will give you the same love, attention, respect, and time that you dedicated to me tenfold.
You are the person who saved me from myself. I can smile today, because of you. I can wake up in the morning and know that I’m not alone, because of you. I am alive today, because of you.
All of my love,
Your friend
