Open Letter To The Friend I Lost To Her Boyfriend

Dear friend,

I knew when you got in a relationship, it meant our friendship would change some. I knew we wouldn't hang out as much. I accepted that, and even understood that, because I wanted you to be happy. But I never thought it would be like this. It didn’t happen all at once, but slowly, you started canceling coffee dates, missing dinners, not coming to parties, and then eventually you stopped hanging out with me altogether. At first I wondered if I’d done something wrong, but then I realized you were blowing everyone off and only hanging out with your boyfriend.

The main issue with this is that it’s not healthy. It’s not okay for your boyfriend to be your only friend. Yes, losing friends is a part of life -- and it’s something you go through in order to find true friends. But when you start losing those true friends, and stop making an effort with the people who have been there for you through thick and thin, you’re isolating yourself for the sake of your boyfriend. That’s not okay.

I don’t know if it’s out of insecurity -- maybe you’re worried your boyfriend will leave you if you don’t hang out with him all the time. Or maybe it’s that you legitimately want to see him every waking moment. Or maybe he's asking you to ditch your friends. But no matter the reason, there’s a flaw in the relationship. Hanging out with someone all the time and ditching your friends for him is not going to make your relationship any stronger. As a matter of fact, it makes it weaker. You can’t make him stay. If you’re relying on your boyfriend for all of your happiness and spending all of your time with him, you’re not living an independent life. You’re not creating lifelong friendships, and you’re losing ones that have been there for you forever.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t be friends with your boyfriend. I want you to hang out with your boyfriend. I want you to go on dates and hang out with each other and do fun things together, and sometimes just be lazy and watch football or stay in your pajamas all day. I want you to have a strong, healthy relationship. I genuinely want you to be happy. But the key to that is balance. We're all guilty of screwing up balance every now and then. I admit, I've ditched my friends for a boyfriend before, but I've also ditched a boyfriend for my friends.

Your boyfriend should be your best friend -- but he shouldn’t be your only friend, and he should be a different type of best friend than the best friend you had before him. He should be someone you can call in your lowest moments, but he shouldn’t be the only one you feel like you can call. Your relationship with your boyfriend should be coexistent with your relationship with your friends. Let’s be honest, hanging out with your boyfriend all the time can get old. There’s only so many nights you can spend watching him play 2K. Sometimes you just need a girl’s night.

I know nothing about you anymore, and you know nothing about me. Our once-friendship has ended with a few text messages every now and then saying hi. And on the rare occasion I do see you, the entire time you talk about your boyfriend. I want to hear about your life, but I want to hear about all of the great things you’re doing. I want to hear about your independent successes. I want to hear about your relationship, too, but I want to know about other things. I want our friendship back.

I just want you to do one thing: take a step back and look at why it’s come to this. Look at why you’re so caught up in your boyfriend, and think about why you ditch your friends. I want you to know I will always be there for you. I will always be a friend, because you will always need one. But I want you to remember who was there for you at 3 a.m. while you were crying over the last guy. Or, what about the person who you would vent to when you’re arguing with someone? Remember the nights we used to stay up laughing, watching movies, and drinking wine. Remember who was there when no one else was. Remember the person who never judged you, picked you up when you were down, and was always there when you needed them.

Sincerely,

Someone who misses you