From time to time I am self-elected to pick you up and drop you off or even go with you to parties. I sit there sipping a Coca-Cola while you act like this is the last night Bush Light will ever be in existence and you throw them back like you are invincible. As your commander-in-chief for the evening, I examine every situation your intoxicated self will be placed in and try to prevent the worst. Here is a list of things I have observed:

1. "I'll just have one more."

In all of the times I have been told this by my drunk compadre, I have NEVER seen someone actually just have one more. You throw them back as if your stomach is a bottomless pit, forgetting that last weekend I was holding your hair back.

2. "Nope, you don't want to fight that big kid at the party!"

Yes, I have actually had to say this on several occasions. This situation has never happened with my girlfriends, but for whatever reason, guys mentally turn into Hulk when the booze starts flowing. From ripping their shirts off to doing these weird chest bumps against their opponents, I will never understand what the appeal is to beating others up for fun.

3. "Please, do not steal that."

Now this normally leads to a great story in the morning about how I had to chase you around and beg you to put that sign back in the ground or give those people their cooler back. Why does being intoxicated make you want to become a kleptomaniac of the night?

4. "Why do you have to yell?"

As time passes in the night, your inside voice will be lost and the only way you will talk to me or anyone else is to scream in their face. I may move away to escape the beer breath, but other drunks don't know the difference. You both will scream into each other's faces, forgetting that we are not attending a concert.

5. "Please stop running away."

When attending a more popular party, it is important to keep an eye on my minions. For whatever reason, you decided that instead of working with me to help you, you will push me away and run. This is so irritating. I do not want to treat you like a 5-year-old, but I will.

6. "I am begging you to stop throwing that."

Why do you want to throw that closed beer into the bonfire? Yes, it will pop and yes, it will burn a good many of us. It's not cute and it makes us want to hurt you.

7. "I am going to find the bathroom."

I start out being able to keep everyone together, but then the worst happens: someone leaves to go to the bathroom. As the herder of these misfits, this is the dread moment. That person is rarely gone for the appropriate amount of time and I am always forced to either go find said person or wait it out.

8. "I'm okay to drive."

This is said more by my guy friends than my girlfriends, but, in no way, are you okay to drive. If I have to pry your keys from your hand as you curse my name, you will NOT be driving your truck home. As you say it, you try to convince me by standing a little straighter and by trying to look me straight in the eye. Sir, I am not stupid and while you weren't counting beers, I was.

9. "No you do not want to go home with these people you just met."

Drunk people tend to bond with others of their kind, and they seem to forget that YOU JUST MET EACH OTHER FIVE MINUTES AGO. Now as your guide, I do my best to persuade you that this is not a good idea, but I can only do so much.

10. "In 30 minutes, we go home."

I view this as a great migration, and I force my minions to hold hands as I fight with those that don't want to leave. It is always a struggle to convince a person that the party is over.

11. "Yeah, yeah I know you love me."

In the midst of all the fighting and yelling and shoving, there will be one member of the group that tells me over and over again that they love me. Now this is really sweet, until this same person throws up on my shoes, but nevertheless, it is really sweet. Sometimes, it will even cause the whole group to bow in my honor and grovel at my feet.

I will continue to be the shepherd to these cats for as long as I am needed, because the joy I receive from being able to hold the memories of those that can't is just too great. Together we will be able to explain the forgotten nights that were just too good to forget.