Having a child doesn't make you a parent; raising them does. Losing a parent is a hard battle to fight. With the confusion comes denial, blame, hate and finally acceptance. Whether it be due to death or abandonment, having to accept the fact that that parent is gone and accepting the fact that life moves on are two stages of the process that come with time.
To The Dad Who Left Me,
It has been seven years since I last saw your face (and who knows how long it was before then). I can remember it so clearly. It's the same face that broke my heart for the first time. The same face that left me feeling alone and unwanted.
I can almost remember the feeling of the wind blowing through my hair on the park swing at age three as you pushed me back and forth. I remember your arms catching me as I jumped off. I remember how strong they were. They were stronger than my doubts at the time. Yet, I can't remember where I parked my car in the college parking lot. It's strange how memories fade at different paces.
I forget so many things during my day-to-day life but I will always remember the day I watched you drive away for the last time.
You never really left. Your presence has burned a hole so deep inside--one that will never fully heal. I see you sometimes. I see you in my grandmother, you both had the same dimpled smile, the same charcoal black hair. I see you in every decision I make. I catch myself wondering if you'd be proud of who I am today, even when I wouldn't care.
You made 10,000 decisions the day you left. You decided that I would never have a real father. You decided some things were just more important than what was in your life. You decided to let your daughter watch as her mother fell apart. You decided that I would grow up without you. I would get my license without you. I would graduate without you. Live without you.
You forced me to walk a path where I'm always questioning where I'm heading. I didn't make those decisions for you, but I can decide to forgive you.
I chose to forgive you because you took so much from me and I can now reclaim who I am. I chose to forgive you because after all this time, the alternative just isn't worth it anymore. You made your mistakes, now it's time to live with them.
I forgive you, Dad. And I've moved on.
To The Dad Who Loved Me,
You weren't the first man who I called by that name, but you were the first to earn it.
It took us awhile to bond. I knew I wanted a father; I just didn't know how to be a daughter. I rubbed your love thin. I pushed you to the edge. I could tell you were tired. I was rough. I respect you even more for staying when I know you got so frustrated that you wanted to leave.
I don't believe many understand the hardships that come along with being a step-father. Even years after being my parent, you were still fighting away that shadow my dad left on the family with the fear of being abandoned again.
You didn't just take the time to get to know me, you watched me grow up to the woman I am today. Thank you for teaching me right from wrong. Thank you for teaching me to be independent. Most of all, thank you for making our family whole for the first time in a long time. I couldn't ask for a better fitting piece to our puzzle.
I love you, Dad. Thank you for showing me what love is.
