For years, I have let you control my life. I have been a slave to the lies you have continued to feed me long after the day that you scarred me forever. I have let your very name destroy me every time that I hear it said by someone in person, in a movie, in a song. I have let it stab my heart every time that I have read it in a book. I have had to talk to teachers or professors about skipping a certain lecture because the reminder of what you did is torture for me.
I have let every little ache and pain, every cold, evolve into the fear of your presence. I have spent a countless amount of hours crying because of what you have done to change my life so drastically. And to that, I say...
I'm done. I am done letting the word "cancer" tear me apart. I refuse to be your slave and I will not let my mothers memory be that word. She was not what you did to her. She was an amazing woman and you took her away from me and because of that I will always see life differently. I will always feel sad when I see a mother with her daughter, when they smile and laugh together. I will secretly hate that they get to spend time together knowing that I will never get that same opportunity again. I secretly dread the day that I get married, the day that I have children... all because she won't be there. Every morning is a battle. Do I get out of bed and remember that she's gone? Or do I try my best to "fake it till' I make it?" Will today be a good day, or will I have to spend another night choking on my tears? Will someone ask me about her today, not knowing that she died because of you? I ask myself these questions every day.
Enough.
I will no longer binge on the lies that you have drilled into my brain. I will no longer believe that a little ache in my side is the sickness that you inflicted upon my mother. I will not cry when I get the flu, because I refuse to believe that you are present.
You had control over my life, once. I let your lies fuel the anger that was burning inside of me, which then hurt the people I cared about. I let your lies feed my depression, my eating disorder, my anxiety and every panic attack that I have ever had. Because of you I let myself sink so low that I thought about ending it all. I let your voice outweigh those of the people that loved me and tried to help me.
Enough.
I will not let you bring me down anymore. I will not let your voice outweigh anyone else's. You have no control over me. I will no longer let you keep me up at night. I will no longer believe your lies where you've told me that I'm next. I will not be your slave. I will fight not only for myself, but for my mother and her memory. I will fight for the people out there who know of the pain I speak.
I refuse to let you destroy me.
