To the (ex-) love of my life,
I bet if I sat down and confronted you right now, you wouldn't remember the bad times in our two years together. You would recall all the "I love you's" and the date nights and the secrets we shared. But you would conveniently forget that you ever put your hands on me out of anger, cheated on me, made me feel worthless, and intentionally made me feel small. You would still try to make me feel crazy for my "false memories and dumb accusations." You would claim that you loved me more than I ever loved you, and if I had just fought for us like you had, we would still be together living our happily ever after. You would make me out to be the one who ruined it all. Just like you did three years ago.
But it is not three years ago anymore, and I am not the same insecure or confused girl I was back then. I'm not wearing the rose-colored glasses anymore. Three years ago I would have believed all of those lies you fed me. But I can't believe them anymore, because I do remember. I remember the reality you refuse to face.
I remember all the times we went out and you pointed out all the girls who were "hotter" than me. I remember when you told me I looked fat in my new outfit because you didn't wane me wearing it around other boys. I remember every single time you called me stupid. I remember when you laughed at my dreams of becoming a writer. I remember when you threw a glass at the wall during a bad fight (and I remember it barely missing my head). I remember all the times you would cry and promise to never hurt me again, and I would always be the one to apologize. You crushed my spirit every single day. And I apologized every single time.
I won't apologize anymore, and I won't pretend to forget the pain anymore. We were terrible for each other, every good moment in our relationship was overshadowed by darkness. I've come so far in the years since I left you. I crawled out of the darkness. I'm starting to become a whole person instead of a ghost of myself. None of that is thanks to you. I am whole in spite of you, not because of you. I was certainly never whole with you.
Now I can't lie and say I never miss you.Lately I've been thinking a lot about you, and I've let my own guilt about our relationship take hold of my mind again. Sometimes I truly wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed with you. I wonder if I could have helped you fight through your demons, helped you get better. I wonder if our love for each other could have broke through the darkness someday. I wonder if we could have lived our happily ever after if we had tried harder. Sometimes I still trap myself in blame. If I could have just been a stronger, more caring, more loving, more patient girlfriend, maybe we could have made it. But all of that blame stems from lies you placed in my head. You made everything my fault. I have to realize now that none of that was ever true, and it wasn't my job to fix you.
Had I stayed with you any longer, I know I would have completely lost myself. I know you never would have gotten any better and I would still be a miserable husk of myself. So this letter isn't to reminisce about good times, because I've done enough of that. I cannot and will not let myself love you or feel sorry for you anymore. This letter is to remind myself that I don't need you, and I never did. You never deserved all my apologies, and you never deserved me.
So let this letter serve as my final goodbye. I won't torture myself with rosy memories or what-ifs or blame. No matter how much I loved you, I am happier, healthier, more confident, and more capable without you. I am finally letting myself move on. I'm finally letting myself realize that you never did and never will complete me. And I won't let myself forget that.
Sincerely,
The girl you couldn't destroy
*Domestic Violence affects men and women in every country, every cultural background, and every age group. This violence can be physical, emotional, mental, or sexual. In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wanted to share a snapshot of my own story. If you or someone you know is being affected by domestic violence, it's never to late to get help. One option is the domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233. Stay safe out there.
