“After all you put me through, you think I'd despise you. But in the end, I wanna thank you cause you made me that much stronger.”
Life has struggles, life has pain and life wants you to work hard. Some people have less battles than others. I thought I'd be the girl that was carefree, eating what she wanted, stuffing her face with cake and ice cream. I thought I'd go to the boardwalk with my friends and smell the Belgian waffles and then have some with a scoop of vanilla bean ice cream. I thought I'd be the girl that never had to worry about feeling pain or having stomachaches. I never thought I'd have to worry about going to the bathroom. I never thought I'd ever have any health problems. But I did get them…exactly what I never would have thought I would have gotten.
When I laid on my stiff bed, warm blankets over me, in the recovery room of the hospital on January 19, 2011, I didn't think my doctor would tell me I had to stay in the hospital and not eat nor be told I had illnesses. I was told both of these things. At the age of 12, I had my first colonoscopy, I've had eight after that, making a total of nine colonoscopies in only five years. My doctor told me what I had. From research of these illnesses, the medical definitions were something I did not want to hear. My definition at the moment, "something that makes me stronger, makes me motivated to move more, something that shows me I can get through anything. It can cause braveness."
However, I didn't think this at first. I followed more of the medical definitions. I've always had a positive outlook on life. But this knocked me down a few steps -- who wouldn't be knocked down by this? It was a lot. Constant doctors visits, more colonoscopies and endoscopes, horrible preparation for them and in general the feeling that every time I ate I would have a volcano erupt with lava inside. It felt like each day was a struggle to eat because I didn't know what to expect next. I was on prednisone for about a year, which not only made me gain weight, but it made me have horrible side effects on top of the illness I was trying to beat. I have to be extra careful with the things I eat. I take 12 pills a day in order for me to stay alive and healthy.
At first, I thought it would be a constant battle every day, but now I get up and live. I am a fighter and I still have some awful days, but I am so much better than how I was. There are other side effects that come along with these illnesses, and that makes things tough for me too. I get body aches due to my medication. I get random waves of nausea and I have to tough it out. I feel sick and nobody knows it. The constant "I'm fine" line comes out of my mouth frequently. Overnight things are scary for me, and it's not because of the typical just wanting to be home feeling. I will get days where the bathroom becomes my room. Some people think my illnesses aren't serious because they don't know what they are or because I was diagnosed a long time ago, I must be 100 percent better.
And it hurts.
Any type of pain is pain.
My illnesses are serious. I can die if I don't take care of myself.
Some people will never understand somebody's situation until it happens to them. These are invisible illnesses, and even if I am not showing pain on the outside, doesn't mean I'm not hurting on the inside. I have learned if somebody is ignorant about it and refuses to listen about how I'm feeling and why I can't do certain things, then that's them. I will never, and I repeat NEVER, let anyone bring me down because of my illnesses.
Autoimmune diseases, you did bring me down and hurt me for a little bit. But you know the saying "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger" -- you didn't kill me and you never will -- you're making me stronger than I've ever been before. I am glad you entered my life. I wouldn't be the same person I am today. You thought you could bring me down, but you never will. I adjusted to you and I will keep adjusting to whatever twists and turns you throw at me next. I don't care if you sometimes make me crawl up on the bathroom floor in pain. I don't care if you screw up my immune system. If one day you throw the biggest downfall ever at me, I will adjust eventually.
"This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I'm alright song. My powers turned on, starting right now I'll be strong. I'll fight my fight song. And I don't really care if nobody else believes. Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me.”
So thank you, auto immune diseases, for making me braver, stronger and smarter. You made me realize I am stronger than I ever thought I was. You brought out my true colors, and I'm glad that I got the chance to show my courage. I am so proud of how far I've come. I will win this battle.
Maybe not today,
And maybe not tomorrow,
But one day,
I will beat you.
My illnesses don't define me,
Because I am not my illnesses.
I am Nicolette Palazzo,
And it will stay that way.
