We’re not dating, but it’s obvious that we’re more than friends. We’re in that awkward, "in-between" relationship where neither of us knows what we are. Or even worse, one of us wants more while the other doesn’t, but neither of us wants to admit it. That's right, we’re in the inevitable “almost-relationship.” That seems to be popular with our generation. So why can’t I let go?
Because you keep coming back. No matter how many times we go our separate ways -- which is probably best for both of us -- you always find a way to come back into my life. It can be as simple as a text, or seeing you in the crowd at the bar to ignite my memories that we had together (good or bad.) I tell myself that you’ve changed. I tell myself that the few months that we’ve been apart have been good for us both and maybe you deserve another second chance.
But how many second chances am I supposed to give you? How many more times do I need to constantly wonder if I’m good enough or what I did wrong? It’s strange, because when we’re together, everything looks perfect. On the outside, we look like we could be in functioning relationship. On the inside, there is constant turmoil of emotions that might not even be real. But the second we part ways, I find myself wondering if that was the last time that I’d hear from you. That can’t be healthy, right?
Healthy relationships shouldn’t be that hard. They shouldn’t make me cry all the time. They shouldn’t make me question my character. Yet, here we are, once again.
My friends are always asking me what we are or where you were last weekend. I can truthfully answer “I don’t know,” every time, because I truly don’t know.
Because, I’m too afraid to ask you how you feel because I’m afraid of what you’ll say. I feel like any little thing I say to you is annoying you, or you have better things to do than talk to me. I’m not one of your priorities. The simplest question of asking you how you are makes me feel like I’m invading your space because we’re not technically together. But we do everything that exclusive couples do, which only complicates things more. I’m not sure if you’re scared to commit because it’s just not the right time in your life, or if you don’t want to settle down at all. Or maybe it’s because, “it’s not cheating if we’re not even dating.” OK man, whatever you say.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I get attached easily. I always have. I wear my heart on my sleeve in most situations. I care too much. That’s what makes our “almost-relationship” even harder for me. I just want the reassurance that there’s someone out there that genuinely cares about me. And maybe you do. But I can’t tell all the time, which is so incredibly frustrating, and quite frankly, unfair to me.
You know more about me than most, and I about you. Yet, it’s so easy for you to walk away the second things seem to get serious or complicated. There’s no room for trust when we’re constantly questioning where we’re at in our “almost-relationship.” But I keep letting you back into my life, thinking that this time might be the real deal, even though I know not to give my hopes up. Which is sort of sad, right? Shouldn’t I be confident about us, yet here I am wondering if you’ll even come around this time?
So next time you plan on coming back, please think about what you want before you do. Spare me the heartbreak that I know all too well because of you. Because I’m always here with open arms, no matter how much I despise myself for it. Because we’re almost perfect for each other.
Almost.
