You were a part of me for more than a quarter of my life. You had the honor of being called my best friend. And I hate you for it.

This isn't one of those typical letters to an ex-best friend where I talk about how I miss you and I'm sorry we drifted apart. I'm not going to say I hope the future is kind to you and that the friends you have now know the special person they have in their life. I'm not going to thank you for always being there for me. Because you weren't. You weren't a good friend. You were abusive and left me with terrible scars I am still dealing with years after escaping from you.

I always thought there had to be physical altercations for a relationship to be abusive, but being friends with you changed that perception. I thought friendships couldn't be abusive until I got trapped with you. Trapped. That's the perfect word to describe it. Your friendship was like a mouse trap set up just for me. You came to me, made me feel important and special and wanted when I never had before. I opened up to you, told you secrets I'd barely ever admitted to myself and you ran with that. You held every secret, every confession over my head at your earliest convenience. You entangled me in your game of manipulation until i found myself caged in a wire trap you made me believe was my own creation.

There's warning signs to abusive relationships and you met so many of them. I wish I had seen it back in high school. I wish I had saved myself sooner. The isolation you caused by throwing a fit if I was hanging out with friends that weren't you. It was always okay for you to have plans with girls and not invite me, but I could never do the same. If it wasn't isolation it was exclusion. Not inviting me along with our friends to the fair. Or a pool party. Or prom. Your birthday party. Then of course came the guilt trip you caused when i spoke up about any of these issues. You didn't want to invite me because I always acted uncomfortable. Or you didn't want to have to worry about me. The worst guilt trips came after I'd told someone all the awful things you were doing to me. How dare I turn that person against you by telling the truth about how terrible you are. That's not fair for me to tell. I should stay silent about our issues. I'm the cause of them anyways.

The thing that really got me though was the suicide threats. Do you know how scary it is to have someone tell you they're going to kill themselves? Have you ever felt the pit in your stomach grow as you call that person over and over again but they don't pick up their phone? No? How about when you log onto one of your favorite websites to find a suicide letter from your best friend where they apologize to you and leave you their stuffed animals and the responsibility to take care of everyone else? How about when you've just been in a fight and you say things like you won't be alive by the end of the week so what does it matter about fixing it?

Have you ever have someone you love threaten to end their life? Have you ever felt that pain you caused me? Because you did it to me so many times that I was afraid to end our friendship because I thought it would result in your death. I was afraid of walking away from something that was literally killing me because I thought it would kill you. I have panic attacks if my friends don't show up to class because I think they must've swallowed a bottle of pills like you. I can't fight with a friend or speak up when someone is hurting me because I am so afraid that I am going to push them over the edge like you led me to believe I did to you.

I said this letter wasn't to thank you, and it's not, but I do need to address you. I can't pretend you didn't happen. I can't pretend you didn't hurt me. And I can't pretend I don't miss you. For all the terrible things you did and all the scars you left me with, you were still my best friend at one point. There was good in you, because I don't care about people who aren't worth it. I hope you get help for all your issues like I have gotten help for mine. I hope you learn how to be a good friend. I hope I stop having panic attacks because a friend slept in. I hope i stop bracing myself for the worst when a friend says we need to talk. I hope a lot, but most importantly, I hope we both heal one day.