A constant battle in my mind, that is what my mental illness is to me. I get paranoid and angry as well as depressed and confused. Sometimes I don't know how to explain it to others. Sometimes I don't know how to voice how I feel so I become physical. My mental illness isn't something I normally talk about because I don't have the courage but we all need to step out of our comfort zone right?
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Depression, and anxiety. These things make me feel angry, sad, paranoid, happy, confused, all the emotions. They also make me starve myself, over eat, not shower, stay in bed and forget to brush my hair at times as well. It's not like I want to do this but my mind is telling me I have to or that it's not even worth trying. Having a mental illness is something you aren't prepared for. No one is prepared to hear the words "You have something mentally wrong with you" or "Something just isn't clicking upstairs".
Talking about my mental illness with others is hard. I feel judged and misunderstood. However, I cannot live my whole life pretending nothing is wrong. I get tired of hearing the words "keep it to yourself" or "Just don't let people get to you." It is easy for others to say. Having a mental illness makes your mind work differently. My mind tells me people are talking about me or people don't like me because I am different. It's not true I know but I really wish people would understand that I can't help what I say and feel sometimes. We are all different and think different.
I want to address something that gets talk about a lot when it comes to a mental illness, medication. Yes, I take medication, to be completely honest I take three medications. If I don't take my medications I can honestly say there is no point in even trying to talk to me. I am irritable and hateful. I want everything to be about me and I pick fights over little things. Yes, I act "childish". However, when I take my medication I am happy and productive. There are times I fall asleep before I take my medication or I run out and haven't had the money to fill them. I wake up the next morning paranoid. Paranoid because I know what is going to happen and no matter how much I try to control myself I mentally can't My mind won't let me. There is one important thing I want to say PLEASE do not ask me, "Have you taken your medication?" or "Did you skip your meds?" nothing makes me madder.
Mental illness isn't something to joke about. It is a serious subject. I don't know how many times I see people laughing at people who suffer with a mental struggle. Yes, I myself have been made fun of for what I have. I want to end all the joking and teasing about mental illnesses. I want to end the stigma that is attached. Mental illnesses are important. I am important.
