“Do you have siblings?”
It’s a well-intentioned question, and one that’s bound to come up in conversation when you’re meeting new people. Even so, it’s a question that sends a slight pang of uneasiness through me every time I’m on the receiving end of it.
I’m an only child.
I’ve heard it all: the, “You’re so lucky, you don’t have to share with anyone!” the, “That sucks, growing up must have been so lonely,” and even the, “Does that mean you’re really spoiled?”
Most comments (besides ones like the latter) are also well-intentioned, but, like every other stereotype, mostly wrong. It’s true that only children have a different experience growing up than others with siblings, but many generalizations about this experience are either partially or completely false. The number of families with only children has more doubled since the 1960s, yet a Gallup Poll reveals that only three percent of Americans think having a single child is ideal. I may be biased, but I personally think only children are pretty great. Here’s why.
How did only child stereotypes begin? G. Stanley Hall, a psychologist of the late nineteenth century, noted that the situation of only children was “a disease in itself.” Hall’s 1896 study, titled “Of Peculiar and Exceptional Children” deducted that only children were odd, poorly behaved, stupid and ugly. Hall’s study, although proven to be void of real evidence, labeled only children as oddballs and misfits, perpetuating many stereotypes that continue to exist today. The media has gladly played into these stereotypes, with one of the most famous examples being Friend’s Chandler Bing, the loveable, albeit socially inept only child. Let’s get one thing straight: I’ve seen every Friends episode at least 32 times, and Chandler is almost definitely my favorite, but I’m not crazy about what his image is doing for the only child community. Don’t believe everything you see on TV.
It’s ironic that some stereotypes seem to contradict. Only children can be perceived by some to be maladjusted, while perceived by others to be overly attention-seeking. (We just can’t win, it seems.) The first stereotype centers around the perception that not growing up with kids around their own age leaves only children in want of companionship, and with inadequate social skills. The second assumes that being given their parent’s undivided attention creates obnoxious show-offs. Neither of these stereotypes are necessarily true. Research suggests that being bullied by siblings as a child has a greater overall effect on adult mental health than growing up without siblings does, and that having brothers and sisters does not correlate with greater or more advanced social skills. On the other hand, social psychologist Susan Newman states that the being showered with attention at home doesn’t make only children attention-seeking, but just the opposite: Having received enough attention, only children actually have an easier time sharing the spotlight.
The second, and possibly biggest stereotype, is that only children are spoiled. It makes sense –– the US Department of Agriculture reports that before college, an average child costs $286,000 to raise. Fewer children means more money allotted to just the one … but does it really? In light of this staggering sum, numbers of families with only children have risen in recent years as families are opting to save money. So, if a family chooses to have fewer children as a way to cut back on costs, it seems counter-intuitive that they would shower their child with everything he or she desires. Even if a family chooses to have a single child for reasons besides financial ones, whether or not a child is spoiled has less to do with the number of siblings they share and more to do with factors that influence the development of everyone.
A lot of the stereotypes that swirl like rain clouds above children forced to wear the “only” label have influenced perceptions less and less in recent years. Even so, the stigma that surrounds the Chandler Bings and Luana Dumitraches of the world is something that needs to be erased. Only children are children –– spoiled, shy or otherwise, they don’t need unnecessary adjectives making their “no-sibling” status seem like a character trait. I would have loved to grow up with siblings, and I’m sure that I may even be a different person had I had the opportunity to. However, I won’t allow having no siblings become a negative part of my identity. I know that I (only-child or not), like everyone else, am completely unique.
