One thing I hate about myself, coming from a person with tons of insecurities, is that I can't give up on people.
I constantly find myself forgiving and getting hurt by the same people over and over, again and again, because although my head knows otherwise, my heart still believes that people change. But people can only change if they want to change. I constantly let people walk all over me thinking, 'well maybe next time it'll be different'. But I recently realized that every time I give people second chances, I lose a piece of myself. And it's not that I don't believe in second chances, because I do. People make mistakes, it's only human. And sometimes people deserve another chance, the opportunity to right their wrong. But when people keep getting second chances, for the same mistakes, time after time, and second chances transform into 5th and 6th chances, that's when you lose yourself. That's not friendship. That is how people use you. When you put your entire being into a friendship or relationship and end up throwing second chances around like it's extra change, that's how people use you until you have nothing left to give. That's how people take advantage of you until you feel worthless.
I try to forget about the people who constantly put me in that position of feeling used and worthless but there's always a little piece inside of me screaming, 'maybe these people don't realize what they're doing,' and, 'maybe it wasn't on purpose, they can do better they're your friend!' But they aren't friends. Friends don't make friends feel like worthless and used.
I have had several friends who constantly used me, told my secrets, and talked about me behind my back.. One person who I genuinely thought was my friend, was talking about me behind my back for months. You would think finding out someone you viewed as a good friend, maybe even a best friend, was talking about you and making fun of you would make you not want to be their friend anymore, but me? I forgave her. I let her convince me that she did change. That she was my friend, my best friend. I believed the show she put on. And when it happened again, I forgave her again. My brain knows what she's doing isn't friendship, but I want to see the good in people so bad that I sacrifice my own happiness. To her it was just a game. I played the game because I valued the friendship. And she played the game because she could.
I guess the upside of that is now I can spot a fake friend from a mile away, but that doesn't mean I run. I still hope that they'll change and believe in the good, but each time it happens I catch myself improving and giving people who don't deserve it less chances.
I like to remind myself that life is too short and fragile to waste your happiness on people who don't care about you. But the hard thing is that I can read that line over and over again, that they're not worth it, yet I can't bring myself to believe it.. and that.. is one thing I hate about myself.
