I work in a grocery store. I swipe cereal across a scanner and listen for it to ping. That is my job, and it is not the most fun thing. What I used to believe was the most fun thing was talking to a hundred different people a day. I enjoyed that, until I had to lie.
Lie? Why would you need to lie?
The most basic and generic question for a cashier to ask is "How are you doing today?" And if the customer is polite they will ask you the same in return. This is the question which generated my up most famous fable. I lie because I always say "Good" or "Great!" It was not true. It had not been a truthful response for almost two months. Because I was not doing good, I was anxiety ridden, and sad. Always sad. That is when I realized something was wrong, when "good" became an automatic lie instead of a truthful reply.
Now as much as I wish I could, I can not explain why I was so sad all the time. I did not understand what was happening and I was confused the whole time. A confused, anxious, sad cashier.
Perhaps it was the large dose of adulthood that was placed in front of me that made me afraid. However, it was not the actions of adulthood that scared me, it was the loss of my known youth. Things were no longer the same, things were no longer routine. For someone who adored consistency, this was not good on me.
But alas, this post is not about my sorrow of yesterday, these words are typed on my computer to push forward my motivation to be better for tomorrow.
This post is how I plan strive to push myself out of the darkness that has been invading my constant thoughts, delaying all my motivations, stopping my happiness.
My mother always tells me that only I can control my happiness. It can not be her, it can not be my red headed best friend, and it can not be my group of four wonderful friends who stood by me when i could barely stand. I am now understanding her. It is my own thoughts, my own actions, my own coping method that defines how i feel, how I want to feel. No confusion, no fear, and definitely no heartbreak should define that. So... let's do this.
