Dear _______,

______, I miss you

You betrayed me and chose him over me

These are the notes I've written over and over again. The thoughts that have cycled through my mind day in and out. Romance is, well, romanticized, but there's a story hidden behind every love story that's never talked about, never even considered. The best friend.

I had a best friend. We did everything together. My family was hers and hers was mine. Our beliefs were the same, our friends the same, even our thinking was the same. We complimented each other so perfectly and were inseparable. Any faults she had were so minuscule in comparison to everything else about her that I loved. As her best friend, when she had guy problems I was there to give advice and laugh with and eventually, she found someone that she committed to.

Fast forward to today and everything is different. Someone who was a sister has become a friend and while I can't put all the blame on the boyfriend, my personal bitterness stems from his presence in her life. I'm constantly torn between the struggle of being a supportive, enthusiastic friend who has been hurt and betrayed. I'm no longer the person she talks to about everything. On those days where nothing happens we aren't trying to defeat boredom together. I've lost faith in her being available when I need to talk or have a request.

I couldn't prevent this from happening. When this relationship was blossoming, I was all for it. I was excited to get to know the guy better and was thrilled for the sake of her. But now, I'm forced to wonder if I knew what would happen would I have done things differently?

I never thought it was possible to grief someone when they're still present and available but I've been grieving the loss of a friend all year. I've had to learn how to move on and be thankful for what our friendship has become. It's damn near impossible let me tell you that but by losing her I opened up myself to deepening old and making new friendships. It's a cycle of pain and acceptance and thankfulness that I never could've anticipated.