Being the oldest sibling can mean being a kind of parenting experiment, being a kind of peacekeeper at home and a whole host of other things that you can probably find in other articles under a title like "Things Only The Oldest Sibling Will Understand". I've read a few of them and yes, Buzzfeed, I have watched my siblings get things before I did, and it is ridiculous how early they got to play games rated T for teen and go to PG-13 movies.
Back in my day, this is how we got into PG-13 movies.
But eventually, the time would come when I wasn't able to witness these injustices first hand anymore because I felt it necessary to fly the nest and go away to college. Now, having been going to college for two years, coming home and going back over and over again, I've started to see the ripples in the pond caused by my leaving.
My family and I never really had to work on the frequency of our communication over text, phone and the such because we were always around each other. Being the first to leave, it seems that there was never really an adjustment made because nobody knew what to expect. Plus there are just certain things that people don't text or talk on the phone about. The lapses in communication left me kind of in the dark as to what would happen when I was away.
The worst is when someone tells me that I missed my favorite Slurpee flavor.
But, you see, it's not really the major family events that I would need updates on. It's the little things that I miss that makes it feel so wrong. For example, I would come home every few weeks and hear from my brother or sister about some terrible interaction that they had with one of our parents that really upset them. Or maybe it was something that one of their friends said that really impacted them in a negative way. Or maybe my mom or dad have been having trouble with something. It's a tidal wave of revelations that accumulate from thousands of little moments that I now completely miss out on. These waves crash down on the stability of my siblings, my parents and that of the entire unit.
Being the oldest sibling, the role I've taken on is the peace-keeper, the one to take as much blame as possible, the one that can support someone by being yelled at, too. I'm supposed to suffer the wrath, as well, when the dishes are strewn throughout the house and mom is rightfully stressed and upset because she works so hard to maintain it all and she told us 20 times to do it. I'm supposed to be the intermediate - the one that can at least try to explain both sides. But the funniest part about coming home is that I become a visitor.
When am I gonna leave next?
What's changed with me?
What's college life like?
People in the family have changed how they interact with me. When I ask my siblings how they've been doing, they tell me about their grades. Did I ask about their grades? No. I asked about them. The person that is going to school, but experiencing so much more that I've missed. How does a letter grade tell me about that?
I've also been told things are "better" when I'm home. Yeah, when I'm home, as if I don't truly live there anymore - as if I didn't grow up there, too; as if I'm just dropping in to wash my clothes and leave everyone in the dust when they're all folded and ready to go.
I actually did run out of laundry money, though, soooooo...help?
What this all boils down to is feeling like I'm abandoning my family. I left first. I left them all behind. At times, I regret it. As the oldest sibling, I feel like I should be able to help, but how the hell do I help a situation that I can't even see? I'm blinded with secondhand statements about conversations and the illusion I see when I'm home. I don't know what the true state of the dynamic at home is because I'm just here to take money for tuition and leave everyone else without it so I can live the dream.
All I can leave in my empty bed for the rest of my family are apologies. I'm sorry that I don't understand why you're so angry at someone in the family. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to help with whatever renovation or project that was going on. I'm sorry I don't understand what's wrong. I'm sorry I don't know how to help. I'm sorry that all I seem to do is take money and the car because we share it when I'm home. I'm sorry that I don't know which drawer the can opener is in now. I'm sorry my dog ate the couch. I'm sorry that I left. I'm sorry I have to leave again. I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
