I have always been one to take on the world and think I can handle all that is thrown at me. As time goes on, I am starting to learn that I will never be able to manage 4,001 things at once despite the denial that comes from my stubbornness. A fatal flaw I would never admit to in the past, scratching at the surface to finally bring me some realization.
It is OK to not be able to deal with everything going on in your life while still keeping that optimistic attitude people are always picking up that you don't have.
Up until this past Summer, I would take on a million things and have a thousand thoughts rattling through my brain and they would eat me alive because I would let them. There is only so much ignoring that can be done before you can feel yourself cracking under the pressure.
For the past month or so I have been disregarding my responsibilities, both educational and personal, because I thought that if I didn't acknowledge them they would go away. If there was ever a point in time I was more incorrect, it was when I realized how stupid that was.
I have been having a harder time adjusting to moving away to school than I ever thought I would and it sucks because I am trying so hard to be proud of where I am and what I'm doing, but it doesn't seem like my brain wants me to feel that way. My classes aren't hard and I enjoy them entirely for the most part, but the workload is pressing. Then you have all this free time you don't know what to do with and you're so limited on money that you can't even go do things to occupy that time. But when you think about getting a job you question whether or not you'll be able to handle the course work as well as working, and then still trying to have a social life. I did it for the 2 years I was in community college, but for some reason even the thought of it here makes me want to scream.
Things have been rough the past month or so. I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't know how to fix it. Mentally, I am drained and I don't realize how drained until I speak to my best friend and she forces the idea that if I want anything to get better I am going to have to face what the world is throwing at me head on and deal with it as I have done forever because if I don't the stress is going to break me down until I snap.
I don't know if it's college or just a series of unfortunate events that have led up to this, but I am dealing with it. I want you to know that sometimes, you aren't OK, but the longer you try to convince yourself that you are means you're only going to wind up in a world of hurt.
When I wake up in the morning now I have to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself that things aren't OK right now, but they will be if I refuse to let the bad things hinder me.
I am slowly learning that it is OK to not be OK, but one day, I will be and that is all I can look forward to.
