1. Snaps
Like little, delicious checkerboards for your mouth, Snaps are easily the finest of all the pretzels. Unable to explain it, and currently stuffing my mouth with them, Snaps are the unsung hero of the snack cabinet. They’re sleeker than the rod, crunchier than a softee, tastier than Bachman’s, have more surface area than goldfish, and fluffier than the thins. With a 4x3 board, they can be bit to make different shapes and symbols! Want to make a T (for tasty)? You can make it! You can eat it!
2. Tiny Twist Pretzels
They’re so ~classic~ it’s hard to deny their top-notch ranking. With the perfect amount of salt, an unrivaled twist, and the ideal amount of crunch, tiny twists are hard to supercede. A paragraph isn’t necessary because, like the tiny twist, I’m keeping it simple.
3. Pretzel Goldfish
Who can deny that these fish-shaped pretzels are flawless? Please, find me someone. They have the perfect puffiness, and sometimes, if you’re oh so lucky, they’re stuck together like Marlin and Dory. Personally, I can eat a full bag of these guppies in one sitting. A thousand calories later, and (maybe) still standing, Goldfish Pretzels come out on top.
4. Rods
If you don’t systematically lick off the top section of the Rod’s salt first, then eat it off once it gets weirdly soft, you’re doing it all wrong. Although the most complicated to eat in public, rods are hands down (don’t actually put them down, you need your hands to devour these pretzels) the most fun to eat and on the VERY salty end of the spectrum. So much salt and so much pretzel, rods kick those munchies in the butt… Please keep H2O on standby, though.
5. Sourdough Nuggets
Combine the Golfish puff, the Sourdough taste, and the bite size crunch. Can you taste it? Can you hear your chompers breaking through the salty, golden-brown little nugget? A favorite of many, the Sourdough Nugget slays the savory snack game. They’re so small, it’s as if you can eat endless and feel like you’ve eaten nothing. Keep on popping those little nuggets of flavor into your mouth!
6. Pretzel Crisps
These ridiculously thin, chip-like pretzels became an epidemic starting in 2004. The search for the blue and white, resealable bag in ShopRite commenced at age 8 for me, thus Pretzel Crisps became a household name for my family and many across America. Similar to the bite size-effect of Sourdough Nuggets, Crisps are so thin you feel as if you can eat endless with no repercussions. These very-slim-magazine-thin pretzels are salted to the perfect degree, and have some sort of different flavor to them I just can’t describe. Yes, they are plain pretzels, but some of that golden-brown shine has a little something something in it you just can’t ignore.
7. Gluten Free Pretzels
If you’re GF, these are the #1 and only pretzels on your list. If you’re not GF, these are still, somehow, noteworthy. In comparison to your normal pretzel sticks, these GF Pretzels are airy and exceedingly crunchy -what more can you ask from wheatless, grainless, what-are-they-actually-made-of snacks? (Rumor has it they’re made from Corn Starch.) (Not a rumor. Fact checked on the Snyder’s of Hanover website.) (Corn Starch.) (A greater enemy to many than Gluten.)
8. Honey Wheat Braided Twists
There’s nothing but satisfaction and sweetness when it comes to these tasty twists. The way the swirly-stair shape crumbles with every bite cannot be matched by a mere stick or classic twists. This is the only pretzel in this hierarchy with a different taste than mere pretzel. Rather than your typical salt and wheat combination, these Braided Twists are coated in Honey (straight from a bee hive)! The bees love it, you love it, I love it. Team Honey Wheat forever.
9. Halloween Pretzels
No matter the season, without much reason, the Halloween Pretzels that fill those little black or orange, spider web-covered bags are worthy of being ranked. Although usually found in the bottom of a pantry from Halloween 2009, there’s just something about festive food we love.
10. Bachman Pretzel Stix
Tasteless and pretty brittle, Bachman’s stix need to sort out their priorities. Yes, these are childhood wrapped in a little yellow box. But, they are honestly kind of gross pretzels. There isn’t much to them, and they aren’t tasty or salty or fun to eat. I felt it necessary to rank them because they are my childhood (and many others), but besides that they’re a mere speck in the aisle of snacks.
11. Unsalted Minis
Sometimes you just want that crunchiness and that golden brown-baked dough without the cholesterol-heightening salt. On those days, when you find yourself standing over a garbage wiping off copious amounts of salt from your 100-calorie pack of pretzels, grab some unsalted minis to spend more time snacking than de-salting.
12. Hot, Soft Pretzels
Personally, I don’t enjoy your run of the mill, street vendor, hot Soft Pretzel. I think they’re kind of gross and I think the salt is too large to be on a pretzel. I think pretzels shouldn’t be the size of your face. I think pretzels shouldn’t be lukewarm and mushy. You are absolutely entitled to your own opinion, and I am very aware people live for these salty monsters. Just ask Stanley.
