Dearest Flipside Cracker,
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You are such a diverse, unique character that trying to describe thee has me at a loss for words. Your conception was a work of pure genius- many a long night I have laid awake and pondered the ingenuity of your creator. I dearly love crackers and I dearly love pretzels, but the idea to combine the two could only have been divinely inspired, as evident by your delicious taste. Researching who invented you has yielded nothing besides the general Keebler brand name, and I don't trust those fidgety little elves, so I believe that you can only come from God himself. I haven’t seen such a beautiful, magnificent work of art since I last looked in the mirror. If I may take an excerpt from F. Scott Fitzgerald's A New Leaf, the story that he so graciously composed about our love: "Her heart sank into her shoes as she realized at last how much she wanted [Flipside crackers]...Which was not to say that she would ever let [Flipside crackers] know, but only that [Flipsides] moved her chemically more than any other [cracker] she had ever met and that all other [crackers] seemed pale beside [Flipside crackers]."
First, we shall start with your appearance, as almost all attractions begin. Though you are mostly shapeless, I have never been one for a gaudy display anyway. The dark brown of your front and light tan of your back are unconventional, but you’ve never liked to follow the rules, you minx. Your salt crystals sparkle in the bright light of my refrigerator as I adorn with you the toppings of my choice: cheese, cream cheese, turkey, Nutella, etc. Marilyn Monroe once said, "All a girl really wants is for one [cracker] to prove to her that they are not all the same." Indeed, your asymmetrical side ridges truly set you apart from the crowd; you are different, you are one of a kind, and you are beautiful. What other cracker could have such grip, such dexterity to scoop just the right amount of peanut butter for my needs? To have and to hold, my friend, and I will hold you forever.
Next, and, to me, most importantly: your taste. I’d like to take this time to thank you for being whatever I needed you to be in whatever moments I needed you. When I’ve had a rough day and all I need is a sturdy, buttery base on which to stack my cheese, you become that for me. When I need a little more variety in my life, you become a salty, crunchy pretzel with an extra pop of flavor. You are versatile and adaptable and for that, I am endlessly grateful. Corinthians 13: 4-8: "[A Flipside cracker] is patient, [a Flipside cracker] is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud… It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. [A Flipside cracker] never fails."
Finally, I must acknowledge how much you mean to my friends, my family, and me. You have been present at several of my most crucial life moments: when my mom gave me her leftover buffalo cheese block after book club, when my friendships at school were strengthened ten-fold over our mutual love for you, when my dog threw up on my pillow, and that one time…okay, those few times at band camp. Our love story is one for the ages and is truly inexhaustible; indeed, as soon as you are gone, I easily replace you with another box of yourself, sometimes multiple times in one day.
So here's one of my favorite quotes, Flipsides, and it reminds me of you: "Eventually soul mates meet for they have the same hiding place." In this case, it is my back pantry, where I will stay with you forever.
