I often think about death. When I say often, I mean every day. Is that weird? Not in future terms or suicide, but like, you know, dying. I imagine how I could die each day, like I could choke on an Oreo, or I could slip in the shower and hit my head, or I could get into a car accident, or I could get hit by a stray bullet, or there could be a gas leak in my house...you see, endless possibilities when it comes to death.

I won’t kid you, my worst fear is dying. When I think about it, I literally feel my heart stutter in its attempt to work a little harder for me, for the sake of living. People say the reason you fear death is because of an unlived life. Hmm, possibly, but I once saw this Torchwood episode on BBC (check it out, it doesn’t come on anymore, I don’t think, but it’s the bomb.com), where one of the characters died and came back, like he was literally brought back from the dead. What scared me was he would have these flashbacks of when he was dead, and I remember the phrase he said when he this would happen: “There’s nothing in the dark”. I don’t know why, but it stayed with me. Like, I can still feel the catch of my breath, the goosebumps along my skin, and the tightness in my chest. There’s nothing in the dark; what if there’s nothing after death, no family, no heaven or hell, no purgatory, just nothing but the darkness?

Death is so…final. There’s no one to tell me what happens after. There’s no planning for it, I mean one day you're living your life, watching a Korean drama, and the next, you're dead. And then I think about my body, like the thought of my body rotting away in a box just messes up my mind. I constantly think of all the people I lost, and think about how their bodies look at this moment in time (I know, that’s kind of twisted and dark but I can’t help it). I don’t want to be cremated either, like, literally putting me in an oven and turning me into ash. Literally dust. I could donate my body to science, but then they could do anything to it. I could be a cadaver, how messed up is that? I know what you’re saying, but you're dead, yeah and! Just thinking of my body like that is too much.

I’m pretty sure you're thinking this girl is freaking crazy. Yeah, well?(shrug). What can I say, but that I am and it’s a constant thought of mine. I mean, you can die at any moment of any time. Heck I could die right now, but that’ll be too ironic. That’s what makes it truly scary, I always say to people well I hope to see you, but I could die, but hopefully I don’t! People see that as morbid or negative, but it’s the truth. I’m not trying to be mean or scary, it just makes me feel better to say it and face it (I guess). Others don’t like it. But the truth is, I will die, and so will you, and it could be at any moment. I know I can’t live forever and I don’t want too, so why not address it for what it is. We live to die...?