From a young age, I started to think about body image. I wasn’t chubby, but my stomach stuck out more than others because of my scoliosis. I remember being just 6 years old and envying other girls who had a flat stomach and could fit into the clothes at Limited Too and Abercrombie and Fitch. My mother called it “my Buddha belly” because she thought it was cute. It was harmless because I was a little girl, and what little girl hates her body?
It all escalated when I stopped eating. My parents freaked out because they had never heard of a little kid being anorexic. I had countless panic attacks around this time as well, and It only got worse from there. I was barely in elementary school and I couldn’t stand myself, I was depressed, and I had severe anxiety. During that time, I would run on the treadmill in the garage every time I ate. I was always more curvy than other girls and society taught me to hate that. My favorite stars growing up were all so skinny and flat, and I developed hips and breasts in fourth grade. I remember getting my bra strap popped by a boy for the first time in sixth grade and crying in the bathroom. Puberty scared me because everyone kept getting prettier and I just kept getting bigger.
When I was little, I was not fat by any means but I definitely believe my hatred for myself caused my weight gain through middle school and high school. I didn’t take care of myself and I began to binge on food. By the time 8th grade came around I was almost fifty pounds heavier than I was, not even a year before. One day on the bus going home I ran into this boy and he said, “move out of the way fat ass.” I didn’t cry, I didn’t fight back, I just sat there in silence. I remember going home and that night staring at myself in the mirror in complete disgust. Also in P.E. in middle school, the teachers were obsessed with taking body measurements and yelling out your BMI. P.E. coach after P.E. coach told me that my BMI was very high and I knew that, everybody knew that. I wanted to look at them and say “No shit.”
High school came around and my weight started to fluctuate. That is extremely unhealthy for your body and your heart. Freshman year I stopped eating again and lost weight, and then sophomore I gained even more of it back by binging. I remember summer after my sophomore year finally hitting an all-time low. I was fed up with the way people treated me, and hating myself was not how I wanted to live the rest of my life. Summer of 2013 I made a vow to treat my body with respect and surround myself with people that had my best interest in hand. When I began to appreciate what I saw in the mirror I decided to start hiking and to eat much cleaner. I went down in pant sizes and up in confidence. I knew this was the real thing too, and the weight was not going to come back because I was doing this for me. I began to take care of myself mentally and emotionally and that is when my physical health improved too.
I won’t lie to you. The struggle with body image is still a thing I have to overcome, and there are days when I cry and absolutely hate what I see in the mirror. Progress is the important thing, though. I went from never liking anything and harming my body to being pleased with what I see at least 85 percent of the time. Every day is a learning experience and every day I learn to love myself a little more. Accepting all body types is an extremely important thing, and I think a lot of times we only advocate for one type whether it be skinny or curvy. I want to be the healthiest version of myself that I can possibly be, and that's what we should focus on. Stop obsessing over a fad diet and start healing your mind, body, and spirit. If you focus more on one the others will become neglected. Nurture your whole self because that's the only way you will ever come to appreciate who you are.
