It’s always a shock when people ask what my favorite holiday is and I say I don’t have one. It’s a concept that most people don’t understand. This time of year is one that people look forward to every year. The time with family, the mounds of food or the stacks of presents under the tree bring some people joy, but to me it just isn’t that.

My views on holidays are complicated. I have a very small family. I have one aunt, one uncle (who is married to my one aunt) and one cousin (who is my one aunt and uncle’s son). Now, I don’t have second and third cousins, aunts and uncles, but none that we ever celebrated with. My parents are now divorced, but growing up whether it was my small extended family, or the five of us in my household, holidays always felt like a burden.

My parents were working class people who came from working class people. Living paycheck to paycheck is what I mostly knew. Large surpluses of money were rare and extras were few to none. I am not resentful or have any negative feelings towards my parents for my upbringing. My parents showed me that I have to work for the things I want in life and that family is the most important thing. But, every time the holiday season rolled around, my parents became different people. There was now the extra pressure to put on meals, be festive, supply my siblings and I with mounds of presents and still make sure rent was on time.

That’s a stress that I know a lot of people don’t know growing up, but it makes you feel really crumby. Kids, in general, are greedy. They want everything in their sights and expect mom or dad to make sure they have it, but as a kid who grew up knowing you couldn’t always have it, made me not look at all. I hated the idea that I was adding any extra pressure or stress to their lives after they had already done so much for me.

I like to think I’m a successful adult. No, I don’t own my own company or drive a brand-new car, but all my bills are paid and I usually have a little left over. There is still that part of me, and frankly it’s within my whole family, to just not ask for anything. I asked my family what they want and I got the usual response: nothing.

Holidays feel like burdens to me. I feel as though I’m asking for too much or can’t give enough. Dinner is such an ordeal and decorating puts my grandmother out of commission for the 24 hours after. Working in retail has added an extra stress to the holiday season as I now work Thanksgiving and Black Friday. My calendar is booked Thanksgiving to New Years working like crazy to make sure customers’ holidays are perfect.

While the time of year is not one that I am thrilled about, I feel as though it’s when my family is the closest. We laugh at how broke we all are and catch up after months of not seeing each other. We give gifts and gorge on way too much food. I love my family and I am always grateful for the time we have together.

I hate Christmas music and ugly sweaters. I think red and green look horrible together. I hate carolers and bells. I rarely drink hot cocoa and I don’t even really care for cookies. Please don’t ask me to put on a Santa hat and keep the mistletoe away. I promise you my heart won’t grow three sizes, but to my family, I love you all.