In honor of Coming Out Day having come and past on the eleventh of October, I figured I should have an actual coming out to the general public.

I am not straight.

That's right. I'm not straight. I don't think I ever have been. From the time I was 14, I remember thinking one day that both women, men, and everyone in between were beautiful and worthy of love and admiration, and I'm pretty sure, at 14 anyway, that makes you not straight. I had even set on my MySpace page (geez that makes me feel old) that I was a bisexual, but my mother told me I wasn't. I changed it back to straight thinking she knew best.

All through high school, I kept myself in the closet. I kept my attraction to anyone who wasn't a man hidden deep down, because I was afraid of being thought about differently. I only dated boys during that time, and the time in between high school and college was filled with two incredibly deplorable idiots that gave boys and men a bad name. After them came college and my first relationship with a girl.

She was gorgeous. She was sweet and kind, but what she wasn't was okay with me not being out. She didn't want to be patient with me. She wasn't okay with dating someone who wasn't comfortable with themself. She cheated on me. I found out. I ended things, but then I thought about what I needed to do for myself after that. Very soon after, I joined my college's gender and sexuality alliance. I even was president at one point!

The very first meeting with this club gave me a life changing experience. I finally had words for what I identified as. I am a Biromantic Pansexual Semi-Gender fluid human being.

What this means is that I find myself romantically attracted to two different genders. In my case, this means people who identify as men and women. Pansexual, to me, means that I can find myself sexually attracted to someone regardless of their gender identity.

This doesn't mean that this cannot change. I could one day find myself romantically attracted to someone who isn't a man or a woman. This would mean that that I would turn into a Panromantic Pansexual. However, most often those who identify as this just go by Pansexual though. Which, I believe I would as well to simplify things.

My mild gender fluidity is different for me, as it is for other people. Not everyone feels the same as I do. I do not feel completely comfortable in my female shell, but I do not wish to be a man. I like my breasts and long hair way too much to want to ever get rid of them, but I also like dressing more masculine when given the chance. Hair up and hidden in a hat or beanie. Breasts not made prominent. I feel much more beautiful and comfortable with myself when my clothes are slightly baggy, and I tread on the lines between man and woman. However, when I need to dress up for an event or an interview, I still default to female.

I, having a larger bust, have the unfortunate problem of not being able hide them in order to easily accomplish a gender neutral and still professional or formal image. I know I will be able to get it down one day, but for now, I still default to the feminine. I'm also not too bad at makeup if I do say so myself, and I do like playing with it for formal/professional events. Not that men or the gender neutral can't be all done up, I just don't know how to make that happen for me yet.

Will this make people look at me differently? Probably, but I also don't really care that much. If someone wants to disown me, that is on them. It's not something I have power over, but what I do have power over is my own mind and my ability to love whoever I deem worthy of my love.

No one can tell you you aren't something you know deep down that you are. If you are a woman trapped in a male gendered body, you are a woman. If you are a man trapped in a female body, you are a man. No one can tell you otherwise. If you are a man who loves men and only men, you are gay. If you are a woman who loves only women, you are a lesbian. If you are anything in between who loves anything in between, you define yourself how you want to. You never have to bend to what society tells you that you need to be just to please the people around you. You will never feel comfortable about who you are if you let someone else tell you what you're supposed to be. It's a fact of life.

I had a hard time embracing the fact that I wasn't straight. I still sometimes don't tell people right away. Some of my family doesn't know even though I make comments about women that should clearly send a flag up to say at the very least I enjoy looking them. I can even bet you some of my extended family will/have/would think of me as a lesser being for not adhering to their traditional ideas of human beings, but I can't let their opinions of me affect who or what I am.

I am me. I'm not you. I'm not my neighbors. I am me.

So, at the end of each and every day, I'm not straight, and that's okay.

I am not a societal norm, and that's okay.