The cold hard bathroom floor was no comfort for my trembling fragile body. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears as I pulled the strands of hair off of my tear-stained cheeks. Processing what had just occurred seemed to be impossible, and my brain rejected the reality of it all. All I wanted to do was shove the events of that night into the deepest part of my memory, but unfortunately it doesn't really work that way. The reality was that I trusted the wrong person, handled loss in the wrong way, and was too naive for my own good.
August was a storm that I had not been prepared to weather alone. September was proof of that. I lost someone I never thought I would survive without and someone that I had put all of my value in. I gave him the power to destroy every good thing I believed about myself. I truly believe this is why God removed that relationship from my life.
At first I handled it in every wrong way I possibly could. I allowed myself to become close to a coworker who claimed to be a caring and trustworthy friend. The night that changed everything began with the poor decision to hang out with him and attempt to drown my emotions. The state I entered was one of confusion, and unknowingly, of danger.
I was soon at a point that I was unaware of where I was and where I was being taken. The next thing I knew, I was pinned down on a bed wondering why this was happening to me. In that moment I pleaded with God to step in and do something to stop this from happening. My cries seemed to go unheard or just completely ignored.
When it seemed that he had finished, I found myself stumbling to the bathroom and laying on the floor. Waves of shame, filth, devastation, and confusion washed over me. In the process of trying to understand, I assumed God hadn't stopped it because it was supposed to happen that way. I tried to force my brain into thinking it was OK and that I was the one who was in the wrong because I had said, "no." This thought process was extremely distorted and incorrect.
I started deteriorating in every way possible and lost all motivation to get out of bed in the morning. My anxiety grew to a point that I was getting sick twice a day for two months, causing me to lose 30 pounds. I was blaming myself and living in shame. One of my teachers (more like a best friend) noticed a change and asked me what was going on. I was hesitant to tell her about it because the few people I had entrusted with what happened told me it was my fault. When I told her about that night she looked me in the eyes and said, "Rachel, he raped you, and that is not your fault."
That sentence changed everything for me. No, it did not magically happen overnight but from that moment on I began the process of believing the truth. I prayed God would help me believe that it was not my fault and that he would have to answer for what he did to me. For a long time, I still struggled with the thought of it being my fault because I had put trust in the wrong person. Society made my struggle more difficult because it's always telling the girl that "she was asking for it." That statement was a slap in the face because I had not asked for my innocence to be stolen, I had not asked for the PTSD that followed, I had not asked for the whispers and assumptions, and I definitely had not asked for the enormous toll that it took on my everyday life.
My biggest regret is that I didn't do anything about it because I feared no one would believe me. I truly believe society has become so desensitized to how serious rape/sexual assault is because it happens so often. This is something that we need to start taking responsibility for and taking it more seriously. The trauma that is caused deserves to be given justice ,and the perpetrator should have to face consequences. The victims need to feel that it is safe to speak out and no longer be victims.
That awful night happened almost a year ago, and I am still fighting to make peace with it. I have to remind myself daily that it was not my fault. I am not a victim, but a victor. God's plan is bigger than what I can see. Pray for those who have wronged you and pray for peace that God will handle it.
I encourage anyone who has experienced something similar to speak truth and know that you were not asking for it, it was not your fault, and take comfort in knowing that God will use your story. He says in his word 365 times: "Do not be afraid," as if he knew we would need to hear it every day in order to believe it. I urge you do not remain silent, because God works wonders in the light.
